"TMI?"

How much is too much information in a relationship? I'm having a weird time dealing with some things my boyfriend told me last night regarding his past, er, masturbation habits. We also discussed what a dirty sounding word masturbation is and how we should think of a new one for it. any suggestions?

Anyway I don't want to spill the whole thing in case by some chance he were to read this and feel totally betrayed, but basically he admitted that he used to look at erotic literature a LOT (still does once in a while) and (this is what keeps flashing in my mind) used to masturbate for HOURS AT A TIME. He did this for a few reasons: he was a little depressed and lonely, he had nothing else to do, and he thought that women wanted "stamina" in a man (though at this point he had never been sexual with a woman).

Okay, okay..so I told him in the beginning of our relationship that I wasn't a virgin. What I didn't tell him was that I've slept with just under 10 people and that some of them I had only known a few days and never saw after the fact. I feel like I told him enough to keep him informed, but not TOO much that might stick in his head and make him feel jealous and icky inside.

I think I'm mostly fine with the fact that he still looks at porn once in a while. I also think it's good that we talked about it..when those things are a secret they get bigger and have more power over you. Of course if we were ever closer to marriage I would want to talk about what that looks like in that setting and how we would handle it if it ever became an issue....I definitely think it's okay that he masturbates-- so do I. So why do I keep picturing him as this young depressed kid masturbating for hours at a time and feel really creeped out and confused? It's not who he is anymore and I think my past is equally as disturbing. I know I have to give myself a little slack and let myself feel weird about it for a while - it will probably go away on it's own- but it's bothering me.

"Scattered Thoughts on Marriage and Stuff"

This post is at the request of a dear friend... Her nudging me to write reminded me how we usually stop writing when things are going well. Unless we really like to write, like she does. And actually things havn't been going that well, so where the hell have I been?!

I "met the parents" over the thanksgiving weekend. All in all, it went really well. His mom even offered him his grandma's wedding ring before we left. Which, in itself, I am SO excited about. I would love an antique ring more than anything and I must say that I look damn good with a sparkly ring on my left hand-- I've tried on plenty :)

However, there was one thing standing in the way of our perfect weekend: The Horribles. We nicknamed my hormones/pms "The Horribles" after dealing with them for an entire 9 hour car ride. They had actually started the night before at his house and he was great about it. He held me while I cried and told me he loved me. He didn't question me too much or act annoyed that I was sad for no particular reason. However, like I mentioned, we had a NINE hour car ride the next day. This poor boy.. I mean, poor me too, but he has so much less of an understanding of and experience level with it all. By the end of the trip we were so ready to go to our respective homes..and for the first time I thought about what marrying someone actually means..

When you're married, you don't get to go to your respective homes when you're tired and tired of each other. You have to be with that person through EVERYTHING. In addition, they fill up all of your free time and are your +1 to EVERYTHING you do. Also there's a really big possibility the sex will get bad or boring and even worse so will the conversation. OH. MY. GOD. I know this isn't news to anyone, but it kind of is to me. Regardless of how much I "know" about the realities of marriage, I think that actually considering marrying someone is making me see them in an all new light.

Don't get me wrong, I want to marry him. He is the most kind and handsome man I've ever met. I love how his personality shows through his eyes and the little wrinkles that have formed from how his eyes squint when he smiles. I love that he is sooo serious about things that I've never taken the time to think about. I love what a patient and kind listener he is. I love that he acts all intellegent and jaded one minute, but wants to dream unrealistic dreams the next.

All I'm saying is marriage is one thing I can wait for. If you didn't get my drift earlier, it's a BIG DEAL. Thank God I didn't marry my pothead highschool boyfriend in Vegas that one summer.. because then all I'd be is a divorced woman who thinks marriage is a big deal :)

The story of our weekend has a happy ending. Monday we took some time apart, but Tuesday night I surprised him with a candlelit dinner up in my room, and he surprised me with a beautiful rose boquet! I think both of us were so ready to let all of the intenseness go and just show that we care about each other. It was one of those times we were completely on the same page. We watched funny tv shows in bed and made out ("made out") before falling asleep..

Positive thoughts to start the day:
- His parents liked me (a lot)!
- We were able to talk about all of this and gain understanding of where each other are coming from
- There is no rush to get married and we can focus on enjoying each other in this moment in our lifes

Non boyfriend related positive thoughts:
- My job has been really busy, which is great
- My nephew is SO cute. I love him so much
- I have more people I care about in my life than I have time to see on a regular basis
- I have had the desire to paint again lately
- Christmas is coming!
- I get to sleep in tomorrow