So I'm beginning to be really glad no one (except one lovely friend) reads this blog. It's like really boring. I would hate for people to think all I do is obsess over little interactions with my boyfriend. I mean, that DOES consume a big chunk of my life (don't deny it-- it does yours as well) but I have other interests as well, damn it!
Anyway, on to what I came here to do. Give an update on the situation yesterday. Following my blog post I texted my boyfriend, "Were you annoyed with me when you left this morning?" He replied "What?! No..Were you mad at me?" Then I just called him because I figured it would be hell of a lot easier to figure it out. And it was.
So pretty much he felt bad that we messed around after he told me that he wanted to do that. So he thought I only did it because he wanted to and therefore felt a little bit like a jerk. THEN I guess I was being kind of distant when he was getting out the door (in my mind I was just trying to get him to work on time!) so he pulled away as well, hence causing me to feel like he was "annoyed" with me.
Last night we talked about how happy we are to be with each other and to be able to talk about these things as they come up; because while they are not a "big" deal, in the grand scheme of things being able to communicate when you feel a little jilted or confused can go a LONG way.
18.11.08
"Oh...the little things"
This is way more a quick vent than a thoughtful post..
Last night my boyfriend's car broke down so we got to spend an unplanned night hanging out and then he slept over. Now we had been together camping the whole weekend, so I was pleasantly surprised when we were both excited to see each other after less than a day apart!
It seemed to be going so well.. I was in a silly mood and kept flirting with him until he cracked a smile, and then eventually joined me in lovie dovie bliss..
We made out before going to bed and I made the decision that I was way too tired to fool around. He jokingly gave me crap, but then said it was a good decision and that he was tired to. So then we fell asleep and all still felt good in coupledom..
I heard him wake up before me in the morning, but fell back asleep for a while. In an hour or so I crawled out of my bed on the floor (we sleep separate for a few different reasons) and into bed with him. I could tell immediately he was emotional and "off" in some way, so I asked him, "what's wrong?" He sort of groaned and rolled over and then said quietly "why do you think something's wrong?" and I said "That's obviously not the issue, because something IS wrong. What's going on?" and he said "I don't want to tell you.." and I said "okay..?"
So then he told me what was wrong. And it was so silly. He knew it was silly and I did too-- I didn't feel upset or get upset even. He had wanted me to come and cuddle with him when he first got up and (adding to the fact I have been unresponsive to cuddling past mornings because of wanting to keep sleeping) started to feel upset that I "would rather sleep than cuddle with him". Now, this is so weird because this kid is never jealous of other guys or me spending time with my girlfriends...he is usually rather level headed. But here he was, jealous of my wanting to sleep!
Like I said, I wasn't upset and even kind of giggled about it... "not a big deal" I told him "and the only thing I like better than sleeping is waking up to you next to me" (trying to boost the ego a bit, but honestly it's true!) So then one thing led to another and we ended up making out and fooling around before rushing off to work.
So here's where it gets annoying (I mean that in the fact that I'm annoyed to be feeling weird or upset when it was a really fun night together!). When I was leaving he seemed really distant and even made some joking reference to how I was acting like his mom because I made him a lunch and saw him out the door. Now, would your mom give you a f*cking hand job at 7am!?? I think not.. Anyway I guess I'm just annoyed because I re-assured him when really he was being the jerk and then gave him some physical action afterwards and he couldn't even leave things affectionately..
Granted, he was running out the door to a job he isn't crazy about. He was tired. He probably felt like crap a little bit for being a jerk about the cuddling thing. But I don't know.. sometimes his feeling bad for being "a jerk" makes him actually BE a jerk because it makes him all distant and crap! ugh!
Anyway in the grand scheme of things I'm really not that upset. sigh..also just don't feel like working.. :) blah.
Last night my boyfriend's car broke down so we got to spend an unplanned night hanging out and then he slept over. Now we had been together camping the whole weekend, so I was pleasantly surprised when we were both excited to see each other after less than a day apart!
It seemed to be going so well.. I was in a silly mood and kept flirting with him until he cracked a smile, and then eventually joined me in lovie dovie bliss..
We made out before going to bed and I made the decision that I was way too tired to fool around. He jokingly gave me crap, but then said it was a good decision and that he was tired to. So then we fell asleep and all still felt good in coupledom..
I heard him wake up before me in the morning, but fell back asleep for a while. In an hour or so I crawled out of my bed on the floor (we sleep separate for a few different reasons) and into bed with him. I could tell immediately he was emotional and "off" in some way, so I asked him, "what's wrong?" He sort of groaned and rolled over and then said quietly "why do you think something's wrong?" and I said "That's obviously not the issue, because something IS wrong. What's going on?" and he said "I don't want to tell you.." and I said "okay..?"
So then he told me what was wrong. And it was so silly. He knew it was silly and I did too-- I didn't feel upset or get upset even. He had wanted me to come and cuddle with him when he first got up and (adding to the fact I have been unresponsive to cuddling past mornings because of wanting to keep sleeping) started to feel upset that I "would rather sleep than cuddle with him". Now, this is so weird because this kid is never jealous of other guys or me spending time with my girlfriends...he is usually rather level headed. But here he was, jealous of my wanting to sleep!
Like I said, I wasn't upset and even kind of giggled about it... "not a big deal" I told him "and the only thing I like better than sleeping is waking up to you next to me" (trying to boost the ego a bit, but honestly it's true!) So then one thing led to another and we ended up making out and fooling around before rushing off to work.
So here's where it gets annoying (I mean that in the fact that I'm annoyed to be feeling weird or upset when it was a really fun night together!). When I was leaving he seemed really distant and even made some joking reference to how I was acting like his mom because I made him a lunch and saw him out the door. Now, would your mom give you a f*cking hand job at 7am!?? I think not.. Anyway I guess I'm just annoyed because I re-assured him when really he was being the jerk and then gave him some physical action afterwards and he couldn't even leave things affectionately..
Granted, he was running out the door to a job he isn't crazy about. He was tired. He probably felt like crap a little bit for being a jerk about the cuddling thing. But I don't know.. sometimes his feeling bad for being "a jerk" makes him actually BE a jerk because it makes him all distant and crap! ugh!
Anyway in the grand scheme of things I'm really not that upset. sigh..also just don't feel like working.. :) blah.
13.11.08
"Good orgasm, Bad reaction"
Have you ever messed around with a guy (whatever that means for you at this place and time in your life) and then felt totally horrible about it? Okay, so once I slept with this total ass hole from the community college down the street from my house when I was like 16. He should have known better, treated me better, and at the least cuddled with me afterwards. But what about when it's someone you have been dating for a long time, or someone you are in love with, or someone that shows you he respects and values ALL the parts of you on a daily basis (or ideally, someone who fits all of those descriptions)?
What's the deal with that? Do you ever wonder? If you're anything like me, you do. My wonderings have brought me to a place where at the least I know and accept that physical contact is not something that comes simply or easily and brings automatic intimacy to almost anybody.
Recently I was talking with a friend from high school (I only have three of those left) who knew me back in my rock star days, and actually partied right there beside me (she's the only one from that crowd I still keep in touch with. Most of the rest are still smoking meth in their trailers). Now, I stopped doing drugs, drinking, and having sex (there were a few slip ups here and there) when I became a Christian. This girl, however, is not nor has ever claimed to be a Christian, but also was really understanding as I got used to being one and the many changes that implied. Anyway, this girl is not currently having sex with her boyfriend. She's not even doing sexual things; no hand jobs, no "heavy petting", you get the picture. When I asked her why she said "It gets too complicated with all that.. this way I can get to know who he really is and have a clear picture of what's really going on with us."
Mind you, this girl has a complicated sexual history like I do, so you may not think her theory applies to you (or you're getting that feeling inside where you want to stop hearing something because it might force you to think about making an actual CHANGE in your life), but don't we all have a complicated history to some extent? Even if you weren't the class slut or haven't even said "slut" out loud, I believe that every look a man has given you, every time they have accepted or rejected your affection, and every moment of your romantic history has been shaping you and preparing you for your current situation - or at the least it has pushed you into it.
I'm not advocating abstinence. I'm not advocating anything except for relationships that have space and grace for two people to bring their sexual histories (or lack thereof) together openly and think about what that means for each other. And coming back to my original question, this may not always be enough to keep you from feeling horrible after being intimate with the one you're with. You may be in a trusting, loving, relationship and one day- seconds after reaching a beautiful mind blowing orgasm together- feel alone, rejected, and used. Chances are, this is not because your partner is distant, doesn't care about you, or is using you. Talk about it, have grace when your partner wants to talk about it (and yes, have even MORE grace if they need to talk about it again, and again, and again), and most of all, don't let it control who you are together or prevent you from seeing each other clearly. And yes, if necessary, take my friends advice and quit all that stuff for a while. You may like where it leads you and what it teaches you...
What's the deal with that? Do you ever wonder? If you're anything like me, you do. My wonderings have brought me to a place where at the least I know and accept that physical contact is not something that comes simply or easily and brings automatic intimacy to almost anybody.
Recently I was talking with a friend from high school (I only have three of those left) who knew me back in my rock star days, and actually partied right there beside me (she's the only one from that crowd I still keep in touch with. Most of the rest are still smoking meth in their trailers). Now, I stopped doing drugs, drinking, and having sex (there were a few slip ups here and there) when I became a Christian. This girl, however, is not nor has ever claimed to be a Christian, but also was really understanding as I got used to being one and the many changes that implied. Anyway, this girl is not currently having sex with her boyfriend. She's not even doing sexual things; no hand jobs, no "heavy petting", you get the picture. When I asked her why she said "It gets too complicated with all that.. this way I can get to know who he really is and have a clear picture of what's really going on with us."
Mind you, this girl has a complicated sexual history like I do, so you may not think her theory applies to you (or you're getting that feeling inside where you want to stop hearing something because it might force you to think about making an actual CHANGE in your life), but don't we all have a complicated history to some extent? Even if you weren't the class slut or haven't even said "slut" out loud, I believe that every look a man has given you, every time they have accepted or rejected your affection, and every moment of your romantic history has been shaping you and preparing you for your current situation - or at the least it has pushed you into it.
I'm not advocating abstinence. I'm not advocating anything except for relationships that have space and grace for two people to bring their sexual histories (or lack thereof) together openly and think about what that means for each other. And coming back to my original question, this may not always be enough to keep you from feeling horrible after being intimate with the one you're with. You may be in a trusting, loving, relationship and one day- seconds after reaching a beautiful mind blowing orgasm together- feel alone, rejected, and used. Chances are, this is not because your partner is distant, doesn't care about you, or is using you. Talk about it, have grace when your partner wants to talk about it (and yes, have even MORE grace if they need to talk about it again, and again, and again), and most of all, don't let it control who you are together or prevent you from seeing each other clearly. And yes, if necessary, take my friends advice and quit all that stuff for a while. You may like where it leads you and what it teaches you...
12.11.08
"Practicality + Certainty = Love?"
True facts about me:
I like things to have answers. I like things to have PRACTICAL answers-- to follow a pattern, be obvious, and make sense. This is why I like mathematics; it can be hair-pullingly mind-blowingly hard, but I KNOW that someone out there has reached the solution I'm trying to find. I know I'm not putting time and effort into something for nothing.
Also, I don't love surprises. There have been a few I've really enjoyed (for instance on our two month anniversary my boyfriend drove across town at 7am to bring me flowers and chocolates while I was on the couch eating a bagle in my sweats and glasses. LOVED it), but for the most part I like to know what's ahead so I can plan for it.
And finally, I love to fall in love. I truely do. I love getting to know another person in a way that no one else has known them. I love giving myself to them; my time, energy, emotions, and affections. I love believing for those few months that everything can turn out like the fantasy in my head... And I think you have to have that time in a relationship; it's part of the ground you stand on when shit gets real. You have to have that time apart from any committment or certainty where you let yourself love someone for who and what they are to you at that very moment. But in order to do that, you have to take a HUGE risk. There will be surprises, and times where you don't have any answers, and times where you have answers aren't what you think they should be.
And hence, the discomfort that comes with being in love. It can be so contradictory to who I am. And I forget that sometimes. I get mad at myself for not being more relaxed, more trusting, more "go with the flow" if you will.. But in reality I have every reason to be freeked out!! And accepting that helps me relax a little.
I like things to have answers. I like things to have PRACTICAL answers-- to follow a pattern, be obvious, and make sense. This is why I like mathematics; it can be hair-pullingly mind-blowingly hard, but I KNOW that someone out there has reached the solution I'm trying to find. I know I'm not putting time and effort into something for nothing.
Also, I don't love surprises. There have been a few I've really enjoyed (for instance on our two month anniversary my boyfriend drove across town at 7am to bring me flowers and chocolates while I was on the couch eating a bagle in my sweats and glasses. LOVED it), but for the most part I like to know what's ahead so I can plan for it.
And finally, I love to fall in love. I truely do. I love getting to know another person in a way that no one else has known them. I love giving myself to them; my time, energy, emotions, and affections. I love believing for those few months that everything can turn out like the fantasy in my head... And I think you have to have that time in a relationship; it's part of the ground you stand on when shit gets real. You have to have that time apart from any committment or certainty where you let yourself love someone for who and what they are to you at that very moment. But in order to do that, you have to take a HUGE risk. There will be surprises, and times where you don't have any answers, and times where you have answers aren't what you think they should be.
And hence, the discomfort that comes with being in love. It can be so contradictory to who I am. And I forget that sometimes. I get mad at myself for not being more relaxed, more trusting, more "go with the flow" if you will.. But in reality I have every reason to be freeked out!! And accepting that helps me relax a little.
10.11.08
"My biggest fear"
I felt so crazy this weekend. I still feel a little crazy, but praise God it has faded a little bit. I feel so insecure sometimes, so needy, so desparate. I told my sister that sometimes I want to eat my boyfriend so that I always have him inside of me; I want to consume him. She said, "like GOD?" Yes, like that.
I am beautiful. I have many interests, talents, and passions. I have so much to offer in this relationship. And I believe those things, I really do! So why do I feel unworthy of his love and interest. Why do I feel like I won't be enough to keep him happy. Why do I feel like my needs will be too much for him to handle, and that eventually I will slowly and painfully push him away. why?
Partially, I am a little bit depressed. I forget about this sometimes. I am just a little depressed and it has nothing to do with anyone or anything in my life. Well, I make it have to do with those people and things, but it's just a FEELING. A horrible, chemical, feeling. It runs strongly in my family, along with anxiety and guilting people into feeling ways and doing things you want them to do.
Partially, I AM NOT BETTER YET. I still feel like a scared 15 year old. I can still picture Jake's cold shoulder and my pathetic tears and screams as I would run after him. Literally, sometimes, running after him through the halls at school or down his driveway. "Why!!?" I screamed once, after the third time he cheated on me, and after he tried to lie about it and make me feel crazy for being suspicious. "Why do you want to hurt me like this!?" He smirked..God I hated that smirk. When he wanted to love me the right way he would smile this smile that I knew no one else had ever seen... He had kind eyes and soft hands. But at times like this his eyes would be distant, his hands wouldn't even try to touch me, and he would smirk like I was the dumbest girl he had ever known. I remember after the third time he cheated on me going home and destroying my room. It was the only time I did something like that...Throwing things at the wall, crying like my entire family was murdered, and wishing I could die rather than feel that kind of pain.
My biggest fear is that these memories and my resulting insecurities will keep me from the person that I want to be with-- or more terrifying, that they will keep that person from loving me.
I am beautiful. I have many interests, talents, and passions. I have so much to offer in this relationship. And I believe those things, I really do! So why do I feel unworthy of his love and interest. Why do I feel like I won't be enough to keep him happy. Why do I feel like my needs will be too much for him to handle, and that eventually I will slowly and painfully push him away. why?
Partially, I am a little bit depressed. I forget about this sometimes. I am just a little depressed and it has nothing to do with anyone or anything in my life. Well, I make it have to do with those people and things, but it's just a FEELING. A horrible, chemical, feeling. It runs strongly in my family, along with anxiety and guilting people into feeling ways and doing things you want them to do.
Partially, I AM NOT BETTER YET. I still feel like a scared 15 year old. I can still picture Jake's cold shoulder and my pathetic tears and screams as I would run after him. Literally, sometimes, running after him through the halls at school or down his driveway. "Why!!?" I screamed once, after the third time he cheated on me, and after he tried to lie about it and make me feel crazy for being suspicious. "Why do you want to hurt me like this!?" He smirked..God I hated that smirk. When he wanted to love me the right way he would smile this smile that I knew no one else had ever seen... He had kind eyes and soft hands. But at times like this his eyes would be distant, his hands wouldn't even try to touch me, and he would smirk like I was the dumbest girl he had ever known. I remember after the third time he cheated on me going home and destroying my room. It was the only time I did something like that...Throwing things at the wall, crying like my entire family was murdered, and wishing I could die rather than feel that kind of pain.
My biggest fear is that these memories and my resulting insecurities will keep me from the person that I want to be with-- or more terrifying, that they will keep that person from loving me.
6.11.08
"And this is why I love him"
Excerpts from his email:
"So, I'm questioning my judgment for trying to hang out with you bunch when I should've known that I would be tired and cranky. I suppose I expected you to be okay with this and fill the companionship that I felt like I needed. To your point, I've been trying to have to fill these holes with you, when they should be filled with God and other friends, something I'm feeling very convicted about right now."
"I'm not sure what all this means, except that I'll try to be more in tune with how things are with me, and what I actually need. I think I've been too willing to just do things because I sense that's what you wanted or what we've always done."
Okay, it's not "everything is fine because I'll love you and do anything for you!" like I think I want sometimes, but it's real. It's honest. It's willing to compromise, and learn from our mistakes, and be together even when it kinda sucks..like right now.
"So, I'm questioning my judgment for trying to hang out with you bunch when I should've known that I would be tired and cranky. I suppose I expected you to be okay with this and fill the companionship that I felt like I needed. To your point, I've been trying to have to fill these holes with you, when they should be filled with God and other friends, something I'm feeling very convicted about right now."
"I'm not sure what all this means, except that I'll try to be more in tune with how things are with me, and what I actually need. I think I've been too willing to just do things because I sense that's what you wanted or what we've always done."
Okay, it's not "everything is fine because I'll love you and do anything for you!" like I think I want sometimes, but it's real. It's honest. It's willing to compromise, and learn from our mistakes, and be together even when it kinda sucks..like right now.
"A whole new world"
hahaha where have I been!?!?
People have been blogging for years and years. And I'm supposedly of this generation. But still, I am surprised as I tour this site, see just how many people are sitting at their desks doing exactly what I'm doing, and feeling humbled as I view the latest "blogs of note".
A friend of mine recently hired a web designer to spiff up her blog. Did all of you do that, too? Or are you those people that in addition to being amazing artists, farmers, and thinkers also have the time and skills to make their blog incredibly beautiful?
I think I'll save vamping mine up for a rainy day. A boring, nothing to do, day. Of which, my life has none! So I guess what you see is what you get. Will anyone really see this? Will anyone really read this? I guess when I started writing (was that 10 minutes ago now?) I didn't want them to. But lets be honest, everyone wants people to love their blog. That's one thing I do know.
Also, my boyfriend STILL has not emailed me back. It's so frustrating. Here's how I REALLY feel: That ass hole. He doesn't have a job. He's sitting at home playing his fucking wii and probably looking at porn and eating cereal because he hasen't been grocery shopping in weeks. He probably feels overwhelmed by the page-long email I sent him expressing even more indepth how I felt last night (we talked in person for an hour and then on the phone when I got home as well) and apologizing, yet again, for it not being a perfect, fabulous, night. For not loving him perfectly and for not stopping my crying anxious bullshit thoughts from spewing all over him. But seriously, he can't write back? He can't write three sentences thanking me for my honesty and reminding me for the tenth time this week that he still loves me the same regardless of all of this? I know this isn't completely healthy. But I don't think it's the worst anyone's ever been in a relationship. I find some comfort in knowing people suck at this a lot worse than me. We don't really know how to make ourselves happy, do we? It's that much harder to make someone else happy.... Here's how I'm going to handle it: get on facebook and maybe window shop online for a bit. "Patiently" wait for the email that I'm almost positive will come just when I'm about to flip out and that most likely will remind me what an awesome guy he really is...
People have been blogging for years and years. And I'm supposedly of this generation. But still, I am surprised as I tour this site, see just how many people are sitting at their desks doing exactly what I'm doing, and feeling humbled as I view the latest "blogs of note".
A friend of mine recently hired a web designer to spiff up her blog. Did all of you do that, too? Or are you those people that in addition to being amazing artists, farmers, and thinkers also have the time and skills to make their blog incredibly beautiful?
I think I'll save vamping mine up for a rainy day. A boring, nothing to do, day. Of which, my life has none! So I guess what you see is what you get. Will anyone really see this? Will anyone really read this? I guess when I started writing (was that 10 minutes ago now?) I didn't want them to. But lets be honest, everyone wants people to love their blog. That's one thing I do know.
Also, my boyfriend STILL has not emailed me back. It's so frustrating. Here's how I REALLY feel: That ass hole. He doesn't have a job. He's sitting at home playing his fucking wii and probably looking at porn and eating cereal because he hasen't been grocery shopping in weeks. He probably feels overwhelmed by the page-long email I sent him expressing even more indepth how I felt last night (we talked in person for an hour and then on the phone when I got home as well) and apologizing, yet again, for it not being a perfect, fabulous, night. For not loving him perfectly and for not stopping my crying anxious bullshit thoughts from spewing all over him. But seriously, he can't write back? He can't write three sentences thanking me for my honesty and reminding me for the tenth time this week that he still loves me the same regardless of all of this? I know this isn't completely healthy. But I don't think it's the worst anyone's ever been in a relationship. I find some comfort in knowing people suck at this a lot worse than me. We don't really know how to make ourselves happy, do we? It's that much harder to make someone else happy.... Here's how I'm going to handle it: get on facebook and maybe window shop online for a bit. "Patiently" wait for the email that I'm almost positive will come just when I'm about to flip out and that most likely will remind me what an awesome guy he really is...
"I'm not better yet"
I decided that I need a blog. I decided that about 2 minutes ago. That's how I work--sometimes. I can be really spontaneous. I kind of have to be, because I'm really bad at keeping secrets or appreciating surprises.
I decided I need a blog because I think everyone in my life has already heard everything I feel like saying. Yet, I still feel like saying these things. My sister tirelessly supports me as I spew my inmost thoughts and feelings; affirming my insecurities and encouraging my few stable and productive thoughts. My parents listen, too. They pray with me when I ask and tell me how amazing I am all the time. They have done this since before I can remember. My parents and my sister seem to think I am a pretty amazing person. I like that.. I need that. Because I don't feel so amazing all the time.
My boyfriend listens, too. I don't have very many normal girlfriend complaints about this one.. He is sensitive, patient, quick to listen and affirm... but he has his days. Like the last few days. He hasen't really been present. I mean, he's physically present, but where the hell is he? Lost in his own head. And he needs to be sometimes..we all do. But then I still feel like talking, processing, and I know he's listening...but not really. I'm not sure whether or not to blame him for that. I feel like I can't, but I still want to a little bit.
The other night he gave me an orgasm so strong that I cried. I mean, I really cried..sobbing, shaking, lip trembling tears.. I heard myself saying "oh my God..oh my God.. oh MY GOD" like I was in a damn porno, and I couldn't stop it. It was amazing, wonderful, scarry, lovely, and definitely a first-- of which, sexually, I don't have many left. I treasure these few "firsts" with him. I wish I had more of them left.
We don't have sex. We've done everything else, practically, but not that... It's a little rough because I want to be as close to him as possible. Sometimes I feel like he'll love me more if I sleep with him. Sometimes I feel like I'll love him more if I sleep with him. Sometimes I feel like he can never leave me if I sleep with him. I have some abandonment issues that date back to 10th grade year of high school. It's a long story, and okay, it starts in 8th grade, really...
In 8th grade I fell in love, had sex, and dreamed of happily ever after. When that didn't happen I vowed to remain a "virgin" again until I was married. In 10th grade I was the typical 10th grader-- looking for excitement, fulfillment, and love in the growingly un-exciting, fulfilling, and loving world around me. I found that in Jake. Well, I found something that felt like excitement, fulfillment, and yes even love. Unfortunately, Jake saw my neediness, or that's my take on it. That's my theory on why he thought he could have sex with me that night-- even though I said no. I mean, I didn't really resist, and I went along with all the physical movements, but I said no. After that it was like he owned me. He owned my thoughts, feelings, and especially my body. When I gave it to him I felt close to him. When I didn't, I felt empowered, but lonely. Jake and I dated on and off for a year or so. And by "on and off" I mean we dated when he wasen't cheating on me and when I was desperate enough to take him back. After we finally cut things off, I slept with this guy at the local community college. I said "no" to him as well, but once again, my body said yes. And once again, the "no" that came from my mouth, from me, didn't really seem to exist. After that I slept with a couple guys at my high school. After that I got really depressed and started using drugs (pot, mushrooms, and "uppers" at first...and eventually cocaine, meth, and some things I don't even know the names for)...
I've come a long way. I haven't had technical sex in over two years, haven't used drugs in over three years, and generally love and respect myself quite a bit. So much has happened to get me from who I was then to who I am now, and yet I feel like I'm still waiting for the final push. I feel like i'm waiting to feel whole, complete, satisfied. My feelings of anxiety- the feelings that make me talk to the people I love until there's nothing left to say when there's nothing they can do to make it better-- come when I feel like I'm not "better yet". And they say it takes a lifetime to figure this stuff out... so I guess what I could really use is a bit of patience.
I decided I need a blog because I think everyone in my life has already heard everything I feel like saying. Yet, I still feel like saying these things. My sister tirelessly supports me as I spew my inmost thoughts and feelings; affirming my insecurities and encouraging my few stable and productive thoughts. My parents listen, too. They pray with me when I ask and tell me how amazing I am all the time. They have done this since before I can remember. My parents and my sister seem to think I am a pretty amazing person. I like that.. I need that. Because I don't feel so amazing all the time.
My boyfriend listens, too. I don't have very many normal girlfriend complaints about this one.. He is sensitive, patient, quick to listen and affirm... but he has his days. Like the last few days. He hasen't really been present. I mean, he's physically present, but where the hell is he? Lost in his own head. And he needs to be sometimes..we all do. But then I still feel like talking, processing, and I know he's listening...but not really. I'm not sure whether or not to blame him for that. I feel like I can't, but I still want to a little bit.
The other night he gave me an orgasm so strong that I cried. I mean, I really cried..sobbing, shaking, lip trembling tears.. I heard myself saying "oh my God..oh my God.. oh MY GOD" like I was in a damn porno, and I couldn't stop it. It was amazing, wonderful, scarry, lovely, and definitely a first-- of which, sexually, I don't have many left. I treasure these few "firsts" with him. I wish I had more of them left.
We don't have sex. We've done everything else, practically, but not that... It's a little rough because I want to be as close to him as possible. Sometimes I feel like he'll love me more if I sleep with him. Sometimes I feel like I'll love him more if I sleep with him. Sometimes I feel like he can never leave me if I sleep with him. I have some abandonment issues that date back to 10th grade year of high school. It's a long story, and okay, it starts in 8th grade, really...
In 8th grade I fell in love, had sex, and dreamed of happily ever after. When that didn't happen I vowed to remain a "virgin" again until I was married. In 10th grade I was the typical 10th grader-- looking for excitement, fulfillment, and love in the growingly un-exciting, fulfilling, and loving world around me. I found that in Jake. Well, I found something that felt like excitement, fulfillment, and yes even love. Unfortunately, Jake saw my neediness, or that's my take on it. That's my theory on why he thought he could have sex with me that night-- even though I said no. I mean, I didn't really resist, and I went along with all the physical movements, but I said no. After that it was like he owned me. He owned my thoughts, feelings, and especially my body. When I gave it to him I felt close to him. When I didn't, I felt empowered, but lonely. Jake and I dated on and off for a year or so. And by "on and off" I mean we dated when he wasen't cheating on me and when I was desperate enough to take him back. After we finally cut things off, I slept with this guy at the local community college. I said "no" to him as well, but once again, my body said yes. And once again, the "no" that came from my mouth, from me, didn't really seem to exist. After that I slept with a couple guys at my high school. After that I got really depressed and started using drugs (pot, mushrooms, and "uppers" at first...and eventually cocaine, meth, and some things I don't even know the names for)...
I've come a long way. I haven't had technical sex in over two years, haven't used drugs in over three years, and generally love and respect myself quite a bit. So much has happened to get me from who I was then to who I am now, and yet I feel like I'm still waiting for the final push. I feel like i'm waiting to feel whole, complete, satisfied. My feelings of anxiety- the feelings that make me talk to the people I love until there's nothing left to say when there's nothing they can do to make it better-- come when I feel like I'm not "better yet". And they say it takes a lifetime to figure this stuff out... so I guess what I could really use is a bit of patience.
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