Part of my email to him:
I guess I still don't know what you mean by all of that. I was being honest when I said that I recognized the ways in which I have less life experience than you. That I recognize the fact that I will change a lot in the next few years and don't have it all figured out yet. But is that what you mean? if so than where does the insecurity stuff come into play? It's somewhat ridiculous because all that thinking about this has done is made me feel insecure, and then feel scared and bad about feeling insecure, because that's not what you want.
Part of his reply:
You may remember that I got really happy after you said all that stuff. Well, I honestly should have left it there, but my idiot mind decided it would be better to explain why that made me so happy to hear. I'm sorry. But yes, that was the reassurance that I needed about your character, which I knew all along. You're aware of yourself and that's key to continue growing into yourself.
I think was afraid of the stereotypical relaxing that happens when people become a part of a couple. And what I've seen happen with girls (I don't observe guys, so I don't know if it's true of them or now) who are in serious relationships after college, they settle down and let their relationship define who they are, rather than continue to grow and explore themselves. That's been the bulk of my worry with you. I didn't want that to happen for either your sake or our relationships' sake.
Again, I'm sorry I didn't explain this better last night. You dispelled any actual worries that I had about immaturity. The confidence comment was poorly worded. When I talk about confidence, it's really a self-assurance that even though you don't have all the right answers, it's okay. What you do have is all you can offer, and that's what people want. An authentic you. Now, is that something I have? Heck no! At least only once in a blue moon. It's what we all work offer the world as often as possible.
Also, honestly, I want to you to be able to come to me when you don't have that sort of confidence, just as I come to you. That's part of how we can take care of each other. I'm sorry that I made it sound like a requirement last night. I love you regardless of your level of confidence, because it's going to fluctuate, and that's okay.
I still don't feel great about it all..
26.1.09
"More Fears"
Another anxiety filled Monday. And I'm NOT pms'ing. What's the deal? I'm in the "happy" part of my cycle. Of course the deal is..wait for it..can you guess?...Boyfriend drama!
Okay. So here's what I see as being the "issues":
My Issues with him
- His lack of patience and bad attitude (particularly when it is with me when I am being ditsy or forgetful and he acts so annoyed)
- His "the world is hard" view (I just want him to see the good in it! It frustrates me when I am enjoying life and he is not)
- His stubbornness
His issues with me
- My lack of maturity (the natural kind that comes with age.. when he told me this at first I was ok with it - "well, that's who I am. I'm not 27 yet, and I'm still learning" - but then I was super insecure about it - "do you still love me? why am I not good enough for you?")
- My "the world is good" view (again, I think he sees this as niavity. I also think it pushes him and makes him uncomfortable)
I need to explain the maturity thing more..hopefully by doing so I can figure it out more. He said that my lack of maturity had to do with my lack of confidence at times. He said he thought that maybe someone older would have it more "together". And that that would make the relationship easier. Then he said it sounded ridiculous as soon as it came out of his mouth..that he knows no one has it all together. Damn this made me insecure. I have a huge knot in my stomach just thinking about it. But really, like my quote above states, I AM more immature than the average 27 year old. Sure! I'm TWENTY TWO years old. But I am also a hell of a lot more mature than the average 22 year old. And to be honest, I think our "maturity" levels are pretty similar.
But still...anything that confirms my fears of not being enough or being too much for him is just too hard right now. I feel terrified of losing him. I feel like I decided a while ago that the things that drive me crazy about him are just part of him. I decided to love him and only him. And it feels like I'm still being evaluated.
I know he wants to love me.. he daydreams about marrying me. He realizes (out loud) that his expectations are a bit ridiculous at times. But I hate that he has them. But then again, those are MY unrealistic expectations - that he should just KNOW. that he should never doubt I'm the woman for him. That he should love every little part of me.
I feel scared to love him this much.
Okay. So here's what I see as being the "issues":
My Issues with him
- His lack of patience and bad attitude (particularly when it is with me when I am being ditsy or forgetful and he acts so annoyed)
- His "the world is hard" view (I just want him to see the good in it! It frustrates me when I am enjoying life and he is not)
- His stubbornness
His issues with me
- My lack of maturity (the natural kind that comes with age.. when he told me this at first I was ok with it - "well, that's who I am. I'm not 27 yet, and I'm still learning" - but then I was super insecure about it - "do you still love me? why am I not good enough for you?")
- My "the world is good" view (again, I think he sees this as niavity. I also think it pushes him and makes him uncomfortable)
I need to explain the maturity thing more..hopefully by doing so I can figure it out more. He said that my lack of maturity had to do with my lack of confidence at times. He said he thought that maybe someone older would have it more "together". And that that would make the relationship easier. Then he said it sounded ridiculous as soon as it came out of his mouth..that he knows no one has it all together. Damn this made me insecure. I have a huge knot in my stomach just thinking about it. But really, like my quote above states, I AM more immature than the average 27 year old. Sure! I'm TWENTY TWO years old. But I am also a hell of a lot more mature than the average 22 year old. And to be honest, I think our "maturity" levels are pretty similar.
But still...anything that confirms my fears of not being enough or being too much for him is just too hard right now. I feel terrified of losing him. I feel like I decided a while ago that the things that drive me crazy about him are just part of him. I decided to love him and only him. And it feels like I'm still being evaluated.
I know he wants to love me.. he daydreams about marrying me. He realizes (out loud) that his expectations are a bit ridiculous at times. But I hate that he has them. But then again, those are MY unrealistic expectations - that he should just KNOW. that he should never doubt I'm the woman for him. That he should love every little part of me.
I feel scared to love him this much.
15.1.09
follow up
Text message received approximately 5 minutes after writing my rant after our phone call:
"Are you doing okay? You sounded a little down on the phone."
Arg! This would be so much easier if he was just always a jerk.
"Are you doing okay? You sounded a little down on the phone."
Arg! This would be so much easier if he was just always a jerk.
"I hate my period" and "we're fighting a lot lately"
Unfortunately I can not blame the later on the former..at least not all together..
To address the first title: I HATE MY PERIOD. I'm not sure how much more I can say about this. Cramps, crying, more crying, more crying, itchy v-j from damn tampons (but I hate pads), more crying, more crying, feeling insecure about my relationship, feeling insecure about myself, insecurity turing to anxiousness, more anxiousness, more anxiousness, more crying, oops now we're fighting, a ton more anxiousness, crying continues, chocolate, food, chocolate, anxiousness, crying, chocolate, chocolate, fighting, fighting, chocolate, crying...etc.
To address the second title: We've been fighting a lot for almost two weeks. And it's sometimes about nothing, and sometimes about legitimate things. But honestly, mostly it's because he's being really stubborn and dumb. And I'm saying this after taking some time to think about what I've said and done and how I could have handled things better.
I mean last night, for instance, he was really tired and crabby after work and picked me up for a "date night". I was already pms'ing and pretty tired from the week too, but I let myself get excited about seeing him. I had these shoes that I bought for him on sale the other day as a gift, and I dressed up in a short skirt with tights and boots because I knew he would like that. So I think the only thing he liked about the night was the shoes. He smiled and said "thank you" when I gave them to him and tried them on right away, looking pleased..
It was an okay start. He didn't say how I looked or ask how my day was. I was feeling really talkative and told him like 5 stories in a row, laughing and kissing him periodically. mind you, at the same time he was changing and we were taking out the trash, trying to get out the door so as not to be late. He was pretty disconnected, but I kept talking because, well, I wanted to! I LIKE him and I want to tell him everything!
It was all downhill from there. He swore SO MUCH last night. Every car in front of him was an idiot. He didn't smile when we finally found our resturaunt. When the food came he scarfed it down in 5 minutes flat and asked for the check. Then we were back in the car, rushing to the movie (it was incredibly snowy last night, making everyone drive like idiots for sure), and he was swearing at everything, STILL CRABBY, while I was STILL TRYING to make conversation, ask him how things were, be helpful with directions, be happy, be the girl he loves.. He just didn't try. He didn't try to be happy. And when we talked about it later he said that he couldn't see past the moment. That when he gets like that he is "short sighted".
We argued over which streets to take, where to park, and every thing that came out of my mouth in between. In the end we were 10 minutes late for the movie. He said "I don't think you know how much I hate to be late for movies". In the end we parked on the street after I asked to park in the garage so that we wouldn't be later than we already were. He said "I don't think you know how much I hate to pay for parkin". Well, which one do you HATE more??!
So we talked about all this. He knows he was in the wrong. It took me a really long time to forgive him. I still feel really hurt. Oh, for a bit of background he came over the night before and fought with me over really similar things for similar reasons. He said last night "I feel like you're seeing the real me and you don't like it". I said, "I feel like i'm seeing PART of you that I didn't see as much before. And no, I don't like it very much. It's hurtful."
I think it would all be okay if he hadn't just called me on his lunch hour and acted annoyed at everything I said. I feel like he's just so ready to pick a fight with me, and I'm still not quite sure why. But I miss us and I miss the other parts of him that he's holding back right now. It sucks. And I still have my period.
To address the first title: I HATE MY PERIOD. I'm not sure how much more I can say about this. Cramps, crying, more crying, more crying, itchy v-j from damn tampons (but I hate pads), more crying, more crying, feeling insecure about my relationship, feeling insecure about myself, insecurity turing to anxiousness, more anxiousness, more anxiousness, more crying, oops now we're fighting, a ton more anxiousness, crying continues, chocolate, food, chocolate, anxiousness, crying, chocolate, chocolate, fighting, fighting, chocolate, crying...etc.
To address the second title: We've been fighting a lot for almost two weeks. And it's sometimes about nothing, and sometimes about legitimate things. But honestly, mostly it's because he's being really stubborn and dumb. And I'm saying this after taking some time to think about what I've said and done and how I could have handled things better.
I mean last night, for instance, he was really tired and crabby after work and picked me up for a "date night". I was already pms'ing and pretty tired from the week too, but I let myself get excited about seeing him. I had these shoes that I bought for him on sale the other day as a gift, and I dressed up in a short skirt with tights and boots because I knew he would like that. So I think the only thing he liked about the night was the shoes. He smiled and said "thank you" when I gave them to him and tried them on right away, looking pleased..
It was an okay start. He didn't say how I looked or ask how my day was. I was feeling really talkative and told him like 5 stories in a row, laughing and kissing him periodically. mind you, at the same time he was changing and we were taking out the trash, trying to get out the door so as not to be late. He was pretty disconnected, but I kept talking because, well, I wanted to! I LIKE him and I want to tell him everything!
It was all downhill from there. He swore SO MUCH last night. Every car in front of him was an idiot. He didn't smile when we finally found our resturaunt. When the food came he scarfed it down in 5 minutes flat and asked for the check. Then we were back in the car, rushing to the movie (it was incredibly snowy last night, making everyone drive like idiots for sure), and he was swearing at everything, STILL CRABBY, while I was STILL TRYING to make conversation, ask him how things were, be helpful with directions, be happy, be the girl he loves.. He just didn't try. He didn't try to be happy. And when we talked about it later he said that he couldn't see past the moment. That when he gets like that he is "short sighted".
We argued over which streets to take, where to park, and every thing that came out of my mouth in between. In the end we were 10 minutes late for the movie. He said "I don't think you know how much I hate to be late for movies". In the end we parked on the street after I asked to park in the garage so that we wouldn't be later than we already were. He said "I don't think you know how much I hate to pay for parkin". Well, which one do you HATE more??!
So we talked about all this. He knows he was in the wrong. It took me a really long time to forgive him. I still feel really hurt. Oh, for a bit of background he came over the night before and fought with me over really similar things for similar reasons. He said last night "I feel like you're seeing the real me and you don't like it". I said, "I feel like i'm seeing PART of you that I didn't see as much before. And no, I don't like it very much. It's hurtful."
I think it would all be okay if he hadn't just called me on his lunch hour and acted annoyed at everything I said. I feel like he's just so ready to pick a fight with me, and I'm still not quite sure why. But I miss us and I miss the other parts of him that he's holding back right now. It sucks. And I still have my period.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
