Another anxiety filled Monday. And I'm NOT pms'ing. What's the deal? I'm in the "happy" part of my cycle. Of course the deal is..wait for it..can you guess?...Boyfriend drama!
Okay. So here's what I see as being the "issues":
My Issues with him
- His lack of patience and bad attitude (particularly when it is with me when I am being ditsy or forgetful and he acts so annoyed)
- His "the world is hard" view (I just want him to see the good in it! It frustrates me when I am enjoying life and he is not)
- His stubbornness
His issues with me
- My lack of maturity (the natural kind that comes with age.. when he told me this at first I was ok with it - "well, that's who I am. I'm not 27 yet, and I'm still learning" - but then I was super insecure about it - "do you still love me? why am I not good enough for you?")
- My "the world is good" view (again, I think he sees this as niavity. I also think it pushes him and makes him uncomfortable)
I need to explain the maturity thing more..hopefully by doing so I can figure it out more. He said that my lack of maturity had to do with my lack of confidence at times. He said he thought that maybe someone older would have it more "together". And that that would make the relationship easier. Then he said it sounded ridiculous as soon as it came out of his mouth..that he knows no one has it all together. Damn this made me insecure. I have a huge knot in my stomach just thinking about it. But really, like my quote above states, I AM more immature than the average 27 year old. Sure! I'm TWENTY TWO years old. But I am also a hell of a lot more mature than the average 22 year old. And to be honest, I think our "maturity" levels are pretty similar.
But still...anything that confirms my fears of not being enough or being too much for him is just too hard right now. I feel terrified of losing him. I feel like I decided a while ago that the things that drive me crazy about him are just part of him. I decided to love him and only him. And it feels like I'm still being evaluated.
I know he wants to love me.. he daydreams about marrying me. He realizes (out loud) that his expectations are a bit ridiculous at times. But I hate that he has them. But then again, those are MY unrealistic expectations - that he should just KNOW. that he should never doubt I'm the woman for him. That he should love every little part of me.
I feel scared to love him this much.
Sexy: Messy, Exciting, Anxiety-producing, Glamorous, Sex, Drugs, & Rock and Roll (okay, I listen to country, really. past, present, and future)~*~*~ Past: Everything up until 2 years ago or so ~*~*~ Seeks: Wonders "how do I get that?", keeps eyes and ears open for ideas, and TRIES new things ~*~*~ Stable: Dinner on the table at 6, knitting by the tv in the evenings, occasional salsa dancing and bowling, kisses goodnight, comfort, hope ~*~*~ Future: self explanatory
1 comment:
This is interesting. Personally, I don't think you guys should interchange maturity with confidence. I think that maturity encompasses many different things, confidence being one. Just because you're struggling with confidence as you're transitioning into adulthood (which, by the way, is PERFECTLY normal and expected) does not mean you're immature. Actually, as someone on the outside, I'd argue that he has a lot of things he needs to figure out too, such as getting his career figured out. Indeed we are ALL works in progress and will never have it all figured out.
But I think that when you focus so much on meeting anyone's expectations, you'll be in constant fear of not matching up, hence the lack of confidence. As hard as it may be, you really have to focus on building your confidence based on whether or not you're meeting your own expectations. A part of his job as a boyfriend is to help alleviate your insecurities, but you can't blame him for feeling unsure if you're acting like a basket case (not that I'm saying you are, but you catch my drift).
Everything works itself out...in time. I pray for increased confidence in your amazing self, with or without him, because you have every right to feel awesome about yourself. You're such a catch, my friend.
Love you!
Akirah
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