Another anxiety filled Monday. And I'm NOT pms'ing. What's the deal? I'm in the "happy" part of my cycle. Of course the deal is..wait for it..can you guess?...Boyfriend drama!
Okay. So here's what I see as being the "issues":
My Issues with him
- His lack of patience and bad attitude (particularly when it is with me when I am being ditsy or forgetful and he acts so annoyed)
- His "the world is hard" view (I just want him to see the good in it! It frustrates me when I am enjoying life and he is not)
- His stubbornness
His issues with me
- My lack of maturity (the natural kind that comes with age.. when he told me this at first I was ok with it - "well, that's who I am. I'm not 27 yet, and I'm still learning" - but then I was super insecure about it - "do you still love me? why am I not good enough for you?")
- My "the world is good" view (again, I think he sees this as niavity. I also think it pushes him and makes him uncomfortable)
I need to explain the maturity thing more..hopefully by doing so I can figure it out more. He said that my lack of maturity had to do with my lack of confidence at times. He said he thought that maybe someone older would have it more "together". And that that would make the relationship easier. Then he said it sounded ridiculous as soon as it came out of his mouth..that he knows no one has it all together. Damn this made me insecure. I have a huge knot in my stomach just thinking about it. But really, like my quote above states, I AM more immature than the average 27 year old. Sure! I'm TWENTY TWO years old. But I am also a hell of a lot more mature than the average 22 year old. And to be honest, I think our "maturity" levels are pretty similar.
But still...anything that confirms my fears of not being enough or being too much for him is just too hard right now. I feel terrified of losing him. I feel like I decided a while ago that the things that drive me crazy about him are just part of him. I decided to love him and only him. And it feels like I'm still being evaluated.
I know he wants to love me.. he daydreams about marrying me. He realizes (out loud) that his expectations are a bit ridiculous at times. But I hate that he has them. But then again, those are MY unrealistic expectations - that he should just KNOW. that he should never doubt I'm the woman for him. That he should love every little part of me.
I feel scared to love him this much.
26.1.09
15.1.09
follow up
Text message received approximately 5 minutes after writing my rant after our phone call:
"Are you doing okay? You sounded a little down on the phone."
Arg! This would be so much easier if he was just always a jerk.
"Are you doing okay? You sounded a little down on the phone."
Arg! This would be so much easier if he was just always a jerk.
"I hate my period" and "we're fighting a lot lately"
Unfortunately I can not blame the later on the former..at least not all together..
To address the first title: I HATE MY PERIOD. I'm not sure how much more I can say about this. Cramps, crying, more crying, more crying, itchy v-j from damn tampons (but I hate pads), more crying, more crying, feeling insecure about my relationship, feeling insecure about myself, insecurity turing to anxiousness, more anxiousness, more anxiousness, more crying, oops now we're fighting, a ton more anxiousness, crying continues, chocolate, food, chocolate, anxiousness, crying, chocolate, chocolate, fighting, fighting, chocolate, crying...etc.
To address the second title: We've been fighting a lot for almost two weeks. And it's sometimes about nothing, and sometimes about legitimate things. But honestly, mostly it's because he's being really stubborn and dumb. And I'm saying this after taking some time to think about what I've said and done and how I could have handled things better.
I mean last night, for instance, he was really tired and crabby after work and picked me up for a "date night". I was already pms'ing and pretty tired from the week too, but I let myself get excited about seeing him. I had these shoes that I bought for him on sale the other day as a gift, and I dressed up in a short skirt with tights and boots because I knew he would like that. So I think the only thing he liked about the night was the shoes. He smiled and said "thank you" when I gave them to him and tried them on right away, looking pleased..
It was an okay start. He didn't say how I looked or ask how my day was. I was feeling really talkative and told him like 5 stories in a row, laughing and kissing him periodically. mind you, at the same time he was changing and we were taking out the trash, trying to get out the door so as not to be late. He was pretty disconnected, but I kept talking because, well, I wanted to! I LIKE him and I want to tell him everything!
It was all downhill from there. He swore SO MUCH last night. Every car in front of him was an idiot. He didn't smile when we finally found our resturaunt. When the food came he scarfed it down in 5 minutes flat and asked for the check. Then we were back in the car, rushing to the movie (it was incredibly snowy last night, making everyone drive like idiots for sure), and he was swearing at everything, STILL CRABBY, while I was STILL TRYING to make conversation, ask him how things were, be helpful with directions, be happy, be the girl he loves.. He just didn't try. He didn't try to be happy. And when we talked about it later he said that he couldn't see past the moment. That when he gets like that he is "short sighted".
We argued over which streets to take, where to park, and every thing that came out of my mouth in between. In the end we were 10 minutes late for the movie. He said "I don't think you know how much I hate to be late for movies". In the end we parked on the street after I asked to park in the garage so that we wouldn't be later than we already were. He said "I don't think you know how much I hate to pay for parkin". Well, which one do you HATE more??!
So we talked about all this. He knows he was in the wrong. It took me a really long time to forgive him. I still feel really hurt. Oh, for a bit of background he came over the night before and fought with me over really similar things for similar reasons. He said last night "I feel like you're seeing the real me and you don't like it". I said, "I feel like i'm seeing PART of you that I didn't see as much before. And no, I don't like it very much. It's hurtful."
I think it would all be okay if he hadn't just called me on his lunch hour and acted annoyed at everything I said. I feel like he's just so ready to pick a fight with me, and I'm still not quite sure why. But I miss us and I miss the other parts of him that he's holding back right now. It sucks. And I still have my period.
To address the first title: I HATE MY PERIOD. I'm not sure how much more I can say about this. Cramps, crying, more crying, more crying, itchy v-j from damn tampons (but I hate pads), more crying, more crying, feeling insecure about my relationship, feeling insecure about myself, insecurity turing to anxiousness, more anxiousness, more anxiousness, more crying, oops now we're fighting, a ton more anxiousness, crying continues, chocolate, food, chocolate, anxiousness, crying, chocolate, chocolate, fighting, fighting, chocolate, crying...etc.
To address the second title: We've been fighting a lot for almost two weeks. And it's sometimes about nothing, and sometimes about legitimate things. But honestly, mostly it's because he's being really stubborn and dumb. And I'm saying this after taking some time to think about what I've said and done and how I could have handled things better.
I mean last night, for instance, he was really tired and crabby after work and picked me up for a "date night". I was already pms'ing and pretty tired from the week too, but I let myself get excited about seeing him. I had these shoes that I bought for him on sale the other day as a gift, and I dressed up in a short skirt with tights and boots because I knew he would like that. So I think the only thing he liked about the night was the shoes. He smiled and said "thank you" when I gave them to him and tried them on right away, looking pleased..
It was an okay start. He didn't say how I looked or ask how my day was. I was feeling really talkative and told him like 5 stories in a row, laughing and kissing him periodically. mind you, at the same time he was changing and we were taking out the trash, trying to get out the door so as not to be late. He was pretty disconnected, but I kept talking because, well, I wanted to! I LIKE him and I want to tell him everything!
It was all downhill from there. He swore SO MUCH last night. Every car in front of him was an idiot. He didn't smile when we finally found our resturaunt. When the food came he scarfed it down in 5 minutes flat and asked for the check. Then we were back in the car, rushing to the movie (it was incredibly snowy last night, making everyone drive like idiots for sure), and he was swearing at everything, STILL CRABBY, while I was STILL TRYING to make conversation, ask him how things were, be helpful with directions, be happy, be the girl he loves.. He just didn't try. He didn't try to be happy. And when we talked about it later he said that he couldn't see past the moment. That when he gets like that he is "short sighted".
We argued over which streets to take, where to park, and every thing that came out of my mouth in between. In the end we were 10 minutes late for the movie. He said "I don't think you know how much I hate to be late for movies". In the end we parked on the street after I asked to park in the garage so that we wouldn't be later than we already were. He said "I don't think you know how much I hate to pay for parkin". Well, which one do you HATE more??!
So we talked about all this. He knows he was in the wrong. It took me a really long time to forgive him. I still feel really hurt. Oh, for a bit of background he came over the night before and fought with me over really similar things for similar reasons. He said last night "I feel like you're seeing the real me and you don't like it". I said, "I feel like i'm seeing PART of you that I didn't see as much before. And no, I don't like it very much. It's hurtful."
I think it would all be okay if he hadn't just called me on his lunch hour and acted annoyed at everything I said. I feel like he's just so ready to pick a fight with me, and I'm still not quite sure why. But I miss us and I miss the other parts of him that he's holding back right now. It sucks. And I still have my period.
22.12.08
"TMI?"
How much is too much information in a relationship? I'm having a weird time dealing with some things my boyfriend told me last night regarding his past, er, masturbation habits. We also discussed what a dirty sounding word masturbation is and how we should think of a new one for it. any suggestions?
Anyway I don't want to spill the whole thing in case by some chance he were to read this and feel totally betrayed, but basically he admitted that he used to look at erotic literature a LOT (still does once in a while) and (this is what keeps flashing in my mind) used to masturbate for HOURS AT A TIME. He did this for a few reasons: he was a little depressed and lonely, he had nothing else to do, and he thought that women wanted "stamina" in a man (though at this point he had never been sexual with a woman).
Okay, okay..so I told him in the beginning of our relationship that I wasn't a virgin. What I didn't tell him was that I've slept with just under 10 people and that some of them I had only known a few days and never saw after the fact. I feel like I told him enough to keep him informed, but not TOO much that might stick in his head and make him feel jealous and icky inside.
I think I'm mostly fine with the fact that he still looks at porn once in a while. I also think it's good that we talked about it..when those things are a secret they get bigger and have more power over you. Of course if we were ever closer to marriage I would want to talk about what that looks like in that setting and how we would handle it if it ever became an issue....I definitely think it's okay that he masturbates-- so do I. So why do I keep picturing him as this young depressed kid masturbating for hours at a time and feel really creeped out and confused? It's not who he is anymore and I think my past is equally as disturbing. I know I have to give myself a little slack and let myself feel weird about it for a while - it will probably go away on it's own- but it's bothering me.
Anyway I don't want to spill the whole thing in case by some chance he were to read this and feel totally betrayed, but basically he admitted that he used to look at erotic literature a LOT (still does once in a while) and (this is what keeps flashing in my mind) used to masturbate for HOURS AT A TIME. He did this for a few reasons: he was a little depressed and lonely, he had nothing else to do, and he thought that women wanted "stamina" in a man (though at this point he had never been sexual with a woman).
Okay, okay..so I told him in the beginning of our relationship that I wasn't a virgin. What I didn't tell him was that I've slept with just under 10 people and that some of them I had only known a few days and never saw after the fact. I feel like I told him enough to keep him informed, but not TOO much that might stick in his head and make him feel jealous and icky inside.
I think I'm mostly fine with the fact that he still looks at porn once in a while. I also think it's good that we talked about it..when those things are a secret they get bigger and have more power over you. Of course if we were ever closer to marriage I would want to talk about what that looks like in that setting and how we would handle it if it ever became an issue....I definitely think it's okay that he masturbates-- so do I. So why do I keep picturing him as this young depressed kid masturbating for hours at a time and feel really creeped out and confused? It's not who he is anymore and I think my past is equally as disturbing. I know I have to give myself a little slack and let myself feel weird about it for a while - it will probably go away on it's own- but it's bothering me.
5.12.08
"Scattered Thoughts on Marriage and Stuff"
This post is at the request of a dear friend... Her nudging me to write reminded me how we usually stop writing when things are going well. Unless we really like to write, like she does. And actually things havn't been going that well, so where the hell have I been?!
I "met the parents" over the thanksgiving weekend. All in all, it went really well. His mom even offered him his grandma's wedding ring before we left. Which, in itself, I am SO excited about. I would love an antique ring more than anything and I must say that I look damn good with a sparkly ring on my left hand-- I've tried on plenty :)
However, there was one thing standing in the way of our perfect weekend: The Horribles. We nicknamed my hormones/pms "The Horribles" after dealing with them for an entire 9 hour car ride. They had actually started the night before at his house and he was great about it. He held me while I cried and told me he loved me. He didn't question me too much or act annoyed that I was sad for no particular reason. However, like I mentioned, we had a NINE hour car ride the next day. This poor boy.. I mean, poor me too, but he has so much less of an understanding of and experience level with it all. By the end of the trip we were so ready to go to our respective homes..and for the first time I thought about what marrying someone actually means..
When you're married, you don't get to go to your respective homes when you're tired and tired of each other. You have to be with that person through EVERYTHING. In addition, they fill up all of your free time and are your +1 to EVERYTHING you do. Also there's a really big possibility the sex will get bad or boring and even worse so will the conversation. OH. MY. GOD. I know this isn't news to anyone, but it kind of is to me. Regardless of how much I "know" about the realities of marriage, I think that actually considering marrying someone is making me see them in an all new light.
Don't get me wrong, I want to marry him. He is the most kind and handsome man I've ever met. I love how his personality shows through his eyes and the little wrinkles that have formed from how his eyes squint when he smiles. I love that he is sooo serious about things that I've never taken the time to think about. I love what a patient and kind listener he is. I love that he acts all intellegent and jaded one minute, but wants to dream unrealistic dreams the next.
All I'm saying is marriage is one thing I can wait for. If you didn't get my drift earlier, it's a BIG DEAL. Thank God I didn't marry my pothead highschool boyfriend in Vegas that one summer.. because then all I'd be is a divorced woman who thinks marriage is a big deal :)
The story of our weekend has a happy ending. Monday we took some time apart, but Tuesday night I surprised him with a candlelit dinner up in my room, and he surprised me with a beautiful rose boquet! I think both of us were so ready to let all of the intenseness go and just show that we care about each other. It was one of those times we were completely on the same page. We watched funny tv shows in bed and made out ("made out") before falling asleep..
Positive thoughts to start the day:
- His parents liked me (a lot)!
- We were able to talk about all of this and gain understanding of where each other are coming from
- There is no rush to get married and we can focus on enjoying each other in this moment in our lifes
Non boyfriend related positive thoughts:
- My job has been really busy, which is great
- My nephew is SO cute. I love him so much
- I have more people I care about in my life than I have time to see on a regular basis
- I have had the desire to paint again lately
- Christmas is coming!
- I get to sleep in tomorrow
I "met the parents" over the thanksgiving weekend. All in all, it went really well. His mom even offered him his grandma's wedding ring before we left. Which, in itself, I am SO excited about. I would love an antique ring more than anything and I must say that I look damn good with a sparkly ring on my left hand-- I've tried on plenty :)
However, there was one thing standing in the way of our perfect weekend: The Horribles. We nicknamed my hormones/pms "The Horribles" after dealing with them for an entire 9 hour car ride. They had actually started the night before at his house and he was great about it. He held me while I cried and told me he loved me. He didn't question me too much or act annoyed that I was sad for no particular reason. However, like I mentioned, we had a NINE hour car ride the next day. This poor boy.. I mean, poor me too, but he has so much less of an understanding of and experience level with it all. By the end of the trip we were so ready to go to our respective homes..and for the first time I thought about what marrying someone actually means..
When you're married, you don't get to go to your respective homes when you're tired and tired of each other. You have to be with that person through EVERYTHING. In addition, they fill up all of your free time and are your +1 to EVERYTHING you do. Also there's a really big possibility the sex will get bad or boring and even worse so will the conversation. OH. MY. GOD. I know this isn't news to anyone, but it kind of is to me. Regardless of how much I "know" about the realities of marriage, I think that actually considering marrying someone is making me see them in an all new light.
Don't get me wrong, I want to marry him. He is the most kind and handsome man I've ever met. I love how his personality shows through his eyes and the little wrinkles that have formed from how his eyes squint when he smiles. I love that he is sooo serious about things that I've never taken the time to think about. I love what a patient and kind listener he is. I love that he acts all intellegent and jaded one minute, but wants to dream unrealistic dreams the next.
All I'm saying is marriage is one thing I can wait for. If you didn't get my drift earlier, it's a BIG DEAL. Thank God I didn't marry my pothead highschool boyfriend in Vegas that one summer.. because then all I'd be is a divorced woman who thinks marriage is a big deal :)
The story of our weekend has a happy ending. Monday we took some time apart, but Tuesday night I surprised him with a candlelit dinner up in my room, and he surprised me with a beautiful rose boquet! I think both of us were so ready to let all of the intenseness go and just show that we care about each other. It was one of those times we were completely on the same page. We watched funny tv shows in bed and made out ("made out") before falling asleep..
Positive thoughts to start the day:
- His parents liked me (a lot)!
- We were able to talk about all of this and gain understanding of where each other are coming from
- There is no rush to get married and we can focus on enjoying each other in this moment in our lifes
Non boyfriend related positive thoughts:
- My job has been really busy, which is great
- My nephew is SO cute. I love him so much
- I have more people I care about in my life than I have time to see on a regular basis
- I have had the desire to paint again lately
- Christmas is coming!
- I get to sleep in tomorrow
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