"I'm not better yet"

I decided that I need a blog. I decided that about 2 minutes ago. That's how I work--sometimes. I can be really spontaneous. I kind of have to be, because I'm really bad at keeping secrets or appreciating surprises.

I decided I need a blog because I think everyone in my life has already heard everything I feel like saying. Yet, I still feel like saying these things. My sister tirelessly supports me as I spew my inmost thoughts and feelings; affirming my insecurities and encouraging my few stable and productive thoughts. My parents listen, too. They pray with me when I ask and tell me how amazing I am all the time. They have done this since before I can remember. My parents and my sister seem to think I am a pretty amazing person. I like that.. I need that. Because I don't feel so amazing all the time.

My boyfriend listens, too. I don't have very many normal girlfriend complaints about this one.. He is sensitive, patient, quick to listen and affirm... but he has his days. Like the last few days. He hasen't really been present. I mean, he's physically present, but where the hell is he? Lost in his own head. And he needs to be sometimes..we all do. But then I still feel like talking, processing, and I know he's listening...but not really. I'm not sure whether or not to blame him for that. I feel like I can't, but I still want to a little bit.

The other night he gave me an orgasm so strong that I cried. I mean, I really cried..sobbing, shaking, lip trembling tears.. I heard myself saying "oh my God..oh my God.. oh MY GOD" like I was in a damn porno, and I couldn't stop it. It was amazing, wonderful, scarry, lovely, and definitely a first-- of which, sexually, I don't have many left. I treasure these few "firsts" with him. I wish I had more of them left.

We don't have sex. We've done everything else, practically, but not that... It's a little rough because I want to be as close to him as possible. Sometimes I feel like he'll love me more if I sleep with him. Sometimes I feel like I'll love him more if I sleep with him. Sometimes I feel like he can never leave me if I sleep with him. I have some abandonment issues that date back to 10th grade year of high school. It's a long story, and okay, it starts in 8th grade, really...

In 8th grade I fell in love, had sex, and dreamed of happily ever after. When that didn't happen I vowed to remain a "virgin" again until I was married. In 10th grade I was the typical 10th grader-- looking for excitement, fulfillment, and love in the growingly un-exciting, fulfilling, and loving world around me. I found that in Jake. Well, I found something that felt like excitement, fulfillment, and yes even love. Unfortunately, Jake saw my neediness, or that's my take on it. That's my theory on why he thought he could have sex with me that night-- even though I said no. I mean, I didn't really resist, and I went along with all the physical movements, but I said no. After that it was like he owned me. He owned my thoughts, feelings, and especially my body. When I gave it to him I felt close to him. When I didn't, I felt empowered, but lonely. Jake and I dated on and off for a year or so. And by "on and off" I mean we dated when he wasen't cheating on me and when I was desperate enough to take him back. After we finally cut things off, I slept with this guy at the local community college. I said "no" to him as well, but once again, my body said yes. And once again, the "no" that came from my mouth, from me, didn't really seem to exist. After that I slept with a couple guys at my high school. After that I got really depressed and started using drugs (pot, mushrooms, and "uppers" at first...and eventually cocaine, meth, and some things I don't even know the names for)...

I've come a long way. I haven't had technical sex in over two years, haven't used drugs in over three years, and generally love and respect myself quite a bit. So much has happened to get me from who I was then to who I am now, and yet I feel like I'm still waiting for the final push. I feel like i'm waiting to feel whole, complete, satisfied. My feelings of anxiety- the feelings that make me talk to the people I love until there's nothing left to say when there's nothing they can do to make it better-- come when I feel like I'm not "better yet". And they say it takes a lifetime to figure this stuff out... so I guess what I could really use is a bit of patience.