"Good orgasm, Bad reaction"

Have you ever messed around with a guy (whatever that means for you at this place and time in your life) and then felt totally horrible about it? Okay, so once I slept with this total ass hole from the community college down the street from my house when I was like 16. He should have known better, treated me better, and at the least cuddled with me afterwards. But what about when it's someone you have been dating for a long time, or someone you are in love with, or someone that shows you he respects and values ALL the parts of you on a daily basis (or ideally, someone who fits all of those descriptions)?

What's the deal with that? Do you ever wonder? If you're anything like me, you do. My wonderings have brought me to a place where at the least I know and accept that physical contact is not something that comes simply or easily and brings automatic intimacy to almost anybody.

Recently I was talking with a friend from high school (I only have three of those left) who knew me back in my rock star days, and actually partied right there beside me (she's the only one from that crowd I still keep in touch with. Most of the rest are still smoking meth in their trailers). Now, I stopped doing drugs, drinking, and having sex (there were a few slip ups here and there) when I became a Christian. This girl, however, is not nor has ever claimed to be a Christian, but also was really understanding as I got used to being one and the many changes that implied. Anyway, this girl is not currently having sex with her boyfriend. She's not even doing sexual things; no hand jobs, no "heavy petting", you get the picture. When I asked her why she said "It gets too complicated with all that.. this way I can get to know who he really is and have a clear picture of what's really going on with us."

Mind you, this girl has a complicated sexual history like I do, so you may not think her theory applies to you (or you're getting that feeling inside where you want to stop hearing something because it might force you to think about making an actual CHANGE in your life), but don't we all have a complicated history to some extent? Even if you weren't the class slut or haven't even said "slut" out loud, I believe that every look a man has given you, every time they have accepted or rejected your affection, and every moment of your romantic history has been shaping you and preparing you for your current situation - or at the least it has pushed you into it.

I'm not advocating abstinence. I'm not advocating anything except for relationships that have space and grace for two people to bring their sexual histories (or lack thereof) together openly and think about what that means for each other. And coming back to my original question, this may not always be enough to keep you from feeling horrible after being intimate with the one you're with. You may be in a trusting, loving, relationship and one day- seconds after reaching a beautiful mind blowing orgasm together- feel alone, rejected, and used. Chances are, this is not because your partner is distant, doesn't care about you, or is using you. Talk about it, have grace when your partner wants to talk about it (and yes, have even MORE grace if they need to talk about it again, and again, and again), and most of all, don't let it control who you are together or prevent you from seeing each other clearly. And yes, if necessary, take my friends advice and quit all that stuff for a while. You may like where it leads you and what it teaches you...