"My biggest fear"

I felt so crazy this weekend. I still feel a little crazy, but praise God it has faded a little bit. I feel so insecure sometimes, so needy, so desparate. I told my sister that sometimes I want to eat my boyfriend so that I always have him inside of me; I want to consume him. She said, "like GOD?" Yes, like that.

I am beautiful. I have many interests, talents, and passions. I have so much to offer in this relationship. And I believe those things, I really do! So why do I feel unworthy of his love and interest. Why do I feel like I won't be enough to keep him happy. Why do I feel like my needs will be too much for him to handle, and that eventually I will slowly and painfully push him away. why?

Partially, I am a little bit depressed. I forget about this sometimes. I am just a little depressed and it has nothing to do with anyone or anything in my life. Well, I make it have to do with those people and things, but it's just a FEELING. A horrible, chemical, feeling. It runs strongly in my family, along with anxiety and guilting people into feeling ways and doing things you want them to do.

Partially, I AM NOT BETTER YET. I still feel like a scared 15 year old. I can still picture Jake's cold shoulder and my pathetic tears and screams as I would run after him. Literally, sometimes, running after him through the halls at school or down his driveway. "Why!!?" I screamed once, after the third time he cheated on me, and after he tried to lie about it and make me feel crazy for being suspicious. "Why do you want to hurt me like this!?" He smirked..God I hated that smirk. When he wanted to love me the right way he would smile this smile that I knew no one else had ever seen... He had kind eyes and soft hands. But at times like this his eyes would be distant, his hands wouldn't even try to touch me, and he would smirk like I was the dumbest girl he had ever known. I remember after the third time he cheated on me going home and destroying my room. It was the only time I did something like that...Throwing things at the wall, crying like my entire family was murdered, and wishing I could die rather than feel that kind of pain.

My biggest fear is that these memories and my resulting insecurities will keep me from the person that I want to be with-- or more terrifying, that they will keep that person from loving me.