"Practicality + Certainty = Love?"

True facts about me:

I like things to have answers. I like things to have PRACTICAL answers-- to follow a pattern, be obvious, and make sense. This is why I like mathematics; it can be hair-pullingly mind-blowingly hard, but I KNOW that someone out there has reached the solution I'm trying to find. I know I'm not putting time and effort into something for nothing.

Also, I don't love surprises. There have been a few I've really enjoyed (for instance on our two month anniversary my boyfriend drove across town at 7am to bring me flowers and chocolates while I was on the couch eating a bagle in my sweats and glasses. LOVED it), but for the most part I like to know what's ahead so I can plan for it.

And finally, I love to fall in love. I truely do. I love getting to know another person in a way that no one else has known them. I love giving myself to them; my time, energy, emotions, and affections. I love believing for those few months that everything can turn out like the fantasy in my head... And I think you have to have that time in a relationship; it's part of the ground you stand on when shit gets real. You have to have that time apart from any committment or certainty where you let yourself love someone for who and what they are to you at that very moment. But in order to do that, you have to take a HUGE risk. There will be surprises, and times where you don't have any answers, and times where you have answers aren't what you think they should be.

And hence, the discomfort that comes with being in love. It can be so contradictory to who I am. And I forget that sometimes. I get mad at myself for not being more relaxed, more trusting, more "go with the flow" if you will.. But in reality I have every reason to be freeked out!! And accepting that helps me relax a little.