"TMI?"

How much is too much information in a relationship? I'm having a weird time dealing with some things my boyfriend told me last night regarding his past, er, masturbation habits. We also discussed what a dirty sounding word masturbation is and how we should think of a new one for it. any suggestions?

Anyway I don't want to spill the whole thing in case by some chance he were to read this and feel totally betrayed, but basically he admitted that he used to look at erotic literature a LOT (still does once in a while) and (this is what keeps flashing in my mind) used to masturbate for HOURS AT A TIME. He did this for a few reasons: he was a little depressed and lonely, he had nothing else to do, and he thought that women wanted "stamina" in a man (though at this point he had never been sexual with a woman).

Okay, okay..so I told him in the beginning of our relationship that I wasn't a virgin. What I didn't tell him was that I've slept with just under 10 people and that some of them I had only known a few days and never saw after the fact. I feel like I told him enough to keep him informed, but not TOO much that might stick in his head and make him feel jealous and icky inside.

I think I'm mostly fine with the fact that he still looks at porn once in a while. I also think it's good that we talked about it..when those things are a secret they get bigger and have more power over you. Of course if we were ever closer to marriage I would want to talk about what that looks like in that setting and how we would handle it if it ever became an issue....I definitely think it's okay that he masturbates-- so do I. So why do I keep picturing him as this young depressed kid masturbating for hours at a time and feel really creeped out and confused? It's not who he is anymore and I think my past is equally as disturbing. I know I have to give myself a little slack and let myself feel weird about it for a while - it will probably go away on it's own- but it's bothering me.

"Scattered Thoughts on Marriage and Stuff"

This post is at the request of a dear friend... Her nudging me to write reminded me how we usually stop writing when things are going well. Unless we really like to write, like she does. And actually things havn't been going that well, so where the hell have I been?!

I "met the parents" over the thanksgiving weekend. All in all, it went really well. His mom even offered him his grandma's wedding ring before we left. Which, in itself, I am SO excited about. I would love an antique ring more than anything and I must say that I look damn good with a sparkly ring on my left hand-- I've tried on plenty :)

However, there was one thing standing in the way of our perfect weekend: The Horribles. We nicknamed my hormones/pms "The Horribles" after dealing with them for an entire 9 hour car ride. They had actually started the night before at his house and he was great about it. He held me while I cried and told me he loved me. He didn't question me too much or act annoyed that I was sad for no particular reason. However, like I mentioned, we had a NINE hour car ride the next day. This poor boy.. I mean, poor me too, but he has so much less of an understanding of and experience level with it all. By the end of the trip we were so ready to go to our respective homes..and for the first time I thought about what marrying someone actually means..

When you're married, you don't get to go to your respective homes when you're tired and tired of each other. You have to be with that person through EVERYTHING. In addition, they fill up all of your free time and are your +1 to EVERYTHING you do. Also there's a really big possibility the sex will get bad or boring and even worse so will the conversation. OH. MY. GOD. I know this isn't news to anyone, but it kind of is to me. Regardless of how much I "know" about the realities of marriage, I think that actually considering marrying someone is making me see them in an all new light.

Don't get me wrong, I want to marry him. He is the most kind and handsome man I've ever met. I love how his personality shows through his eyes and the little wrinkles that have formed from how his eyes squint when he smiles. I love that he is sooo serious about things that I've never taken the time to think about. I love what a patient and kind listener he is. I love that he acts all intellegent and jaded one minute, but wants to dream unrealistic dreams the next.

All I'm saying is marriage is one thing I can wait for. If you didn't get my drift earlier, it's a BIG DEAL. Thank God I didn't marry my pothead highschool boyfriend in Vegas that one summer.. because then all I'd be is a divorced woman who thinks marriage is a big deal :)

The story of our weekend has a happy ending. Monday we took some time apart, but Tuesday night I surprised him with a candlelit dinner up in my room, and he surprised me with a beautiful rose boquet! I think both of us were so ready to let all of the intenseness go and just show that we care about each other. It was one of those times we were completely on the same page. We watched funny tv shows in bed and made out ("made out") before falling asleep..

Positive thoughts to start the day:
- His parents liked me (a lot)!
- We were able to talk about all of this and gain understanding of where each other are coming from
- There is no rush to get married and we can focus on enjoying each other in this moment in our lifes

Non boyfriend related positive thoughts:
- My job has been really busy, which is great
- My nephew is SO cute. I love him so much
- I have more people I care about in my life than I have time to see on a regular basis
- I have had the desire to paint again lately
- Christmas is coming!
- I get to sleep in tomorrow

"This has officially become my place for boyfriend word vomit?"

So I'm beginning to be really glad no one (except one lovely friend) reads this blog. It's like really boring. I would hate for people to think all I do is obsess over little interactions with my boyfriend. I mean, that DOES consume a big chunk of my life (don't deny it-- it does yours as well) but I have other interests as well, damn it!

Anyway, on to what I came here to do. Give an update on the situation yesterday. Following my blog post I texted my boyfriend, "Were you annoyed with me when you left this morning?" He replied "What?! No..Were you mad at me?" Then I just called him because I figured it would be hell of a lot easier to figure it out. And it was.

So pretty much he felt bad that we messed around after he told me that he wanted to do that. So he thought I only did it because he wanted to and therefore felt a little bit like a jerk. THEN I guess I was being kind of distant when he was getting out the door (in my mind I was just trying to get him to work on time!) so he pulled away as well, hence causing me to feel like he was "annoyed" with me.

Last night we talked about how happy we are to be with each other and to be able to talk about these things as they come up; because while they are not a "big" deal, in the grand scheme of things being able to communicate when you feel a little jilted or confused can go a LONG way.

"Oh...the little things"

This is way more a quick vent than a thoughtful post..

Last night my boyfriend's car broke down so we got to spend an unplanned night hanging out and then he slept over. Now we had been together camping the whole weekend, so I was pleasantly surprised when we were both excited to see each other after less than a day apart!

It seemed to be going so well.. I was in a silly mood and kept flirting with him until he cracked a smile, and then eventually joined me in lovie dovie bliss..

We made out before going to bed and I made the decision that I was way too tired to fool around. He jokingly gave me crap, but then said it was a good decision and that he was tired to. So then we fell asleep and all still felt good in coupledom..

I heard him wake up before me in the morning, but fell back asleep for a while. In an hour or so I crawled out of my bed on the floor (we sleep separate for a few different reasons) and into bed with him. I could tell immediately he was emotional and "off" in some way, so I asked him, "what's wrong?" He sort of groaned and rolled over and then said quietly "why do you think something's wrong?" and I said "That's obviously not the issue, because something IS wrong. What's going on?" and he said "I don't want to tell you.." and I said "okay..?"

So then he told me what was wrong. And it was so silly. He knew it was silly and I did too-- I didn't feel upset or get upset even. He had wanted me to come and cuddle with him when he first got up and (adding to the fact I have been unresponsive to cuddling past mornings because of wanting to keep sleeping) started to feel upset that I "would rather sleep than cuddle with him". Now, this is so weird because this kid is never jealous of other guys or me spending time with my girlfriends...he is usually rather level headed. But here he was, jealous of my wanting to sleep!

Like I said, I wasn't upset and even kind of giggled about it... "not a big deal" I told him "and the only thing I like better than sleeping is waking up to you next to me" (trying to boost the ego a bit, but honestly it's true!) So then one thing led to another and we ended up making out and fooling around before rushing off to work.

So here's where it gets annoying (I mean that in the fact that I'm annoyed to be feeling weird or upset when it was a really fun night together!). When I was leaving he seemed really distant and even made some joking reference to how I was acting like his mom because I made him a lunch and saw him out the door. Now, would your mom give you a f*cking hand job at 7am!?? I think not.. Anyway I guess I'm just annoyed because I re-assured him when really he was being the jerk and then gave him some physical action afterwards and he couldn't even leave things affectionately..

Granted, he was running out the door to a job he isn't crazy about. He was tired. He probably felt like crap a little bit for being a jerk about the cuddling thing. But I don't know.. sometimes his feeling bad for being "a jerk" makes him actually BE a jerk because it makes him all distant and crap! ugh!

Anyway in the grand scheme of things I'm really not that upset. sigh..also just don't feel like working.. :) blah.

"Good orgasm, Bad reaction"

Have you ever messed around with a guy (whatever that means for you at this place and time in your life) and then felt totally horrible about it? Okay, so once I slept with this total ass hole from the community college down the street from my house when I was like 16. He should have known better, treated me better, and at the least cuddled with me afterwards. But what about when it's someone you have been dating for a long time, or someone you are in love with, or someone that shows you he respects and values ALL the parts of you on a daily basis (or ideally, someone who fits all of those descriptions)?

What's the deal with that? Do you ever wonder? If you're anything like me, you do. My wonderings have brought me to a place where at the least I know and accept that physical contact is not something that comes simply or easily and brings automatic intimacy to almost anybody.

Recently I was talking with a friend from high school (I only have three of those left) who knew me back in my rock star days, and actually partied right there beside me (she's the only one from that crowd I still keep in touch with. Most of the rest are still smoking meth in their trailers). Now, I stopped doing drugs, drinking, and having sex (there were a few slip ups here and there) when I became a Christian. This girl, however, is not nor has ever claimed to be a Christian, but also was really understanding as I got used to being one and the many changes that implied. Anyway, this girl is not currently having sex with her boyfriend. She's not even doing sexual things; no hand jobs, no "heavy petting", you get the picture. When I asked her why she said "It gets too complicated with all that.. this way I can get to know who he really is and have a clear picture of what's really going on with us."

Mind you, this girl has a complicated sexual history like I do, so you may not think her theory applies to you (or you're getting that feeling inside where you want to stop hearing something because it might force you to think about making an actual CHANGE in your life), but don't we all have a complicated history to some extent? Even if you weren't the class slut or haven't even said "slut" out loud, I believe that every look a man has given you, every time they have accepted or rejected your affection, and every moment of your romantic history has been shaping you and preparing you for your current situation - or at the least it has pushed you into it.

I'm not advocating abstinence. I'm not advocating anything except for relationships that have space and grace for two people to bring their sexual histories (or lack thereof) together openly and think about what that means for each other. And coming back to my original question, this may not always be enough to keep you from feeling horrible after being intimate with the one you're with. You may be in a trusting, loving, relationship and one day- seconds after reaching a beautiful mind blowing orgasm together- feel alone, rejected, and used. Chances are, this is not because your partner is distant, doesn't care about you, or is using you. Talk about it, have grace when your partner wants to talk about it (and yes, have even MORE grace if they need to talk about it again, and again, and again), and most of all, don't let it control who you are together or prevent you from seeing each other clearly. And yes, if necessary, take my friends advice and quit all that stuff for a while. You may like where it leads you and what it teaches you...