Part of my email to him:
I guess I still don't know what you mean by all of that. I was being honest when I said that I recognized the ways in which I have less life experience than you. That I recognize the fact that I will change a lot in the next few years and don't have it all figured out yet. But is that what you mean? if so than where does the insecurity stuff come into play? It's somewhat ridiculous because all that thinking about this has done is made me feel insecure, and then feel scared and bad about feeling insecure, because that's not what you want.
Part of his reply:
You may remember that I got really happy after you said all that stuff. Well, I honestly should have left it there, but my idiot mind decided it would be better to explain why that made me so happy to hear. I'm sorry. But yes, that was the reassurance that I needed about your character, which I knew all along. You're aware of yourself and that's key to continue growing into yourself.
I think was afraid of the stereotypical relaxing that happens when people become a part of a couple. And what I've seen happen with girls (I don't observe guys, so I don't know if it's true of them or now) who are in serious relationships after college, they settle down and let their relationship define who they are, rather than continue to grow and explore themselves. That's been the bulk of my worry with you. I didn't want that to happen for either your sake or our relationships' sake.
Again, I'm sorry I didn't explain this better last night. You dispelled any actual worries that I had about immaturity. The confidence comment was poorly worded. When I talk about confidence, it's really a self-assurance that even though you don't have all the right answers, it's okay. What you do have is all you can offer, and that's what people want. An authentic you. Now, is that something I have? Heck no! At least only once in a blue moon. It's what we all work offer the world as often as possible.
Also, honestly, I want to you to be able to come to me when you don't have that sort of confidence, just as I come to you. That's part of how we can take care of each other. I'm sorry that I made it sound like a requirement last night. I love you regardless of your level of confidence, because it's going to fluctuate, and that's okay.
I still don't feel great about it all..
26.1.09
"More Fears"
Another anxiety filled Monday. And I'm NOT pms'ing. What's the deal? I'm in the "happy" part of my cycle. Of course the deal is..wait for it..can you guess?...Boyfriend drama!
Okay. So here's what I see as being the "issues":
My Issues with him
- His lack of patience and bad attitude (particularly when it is with me when I am being ditsy or forgetful and he acts so annoyed)
- His "the world is hard" view (I just want him to see the good in it! It frustrates me when I am enjoying life and he is not)
- His stubbornness
His issues with me
- My lack of maturity (the natural kind that comes with age.. when he told me this at first I was ok with it - "well, that's who I am. I'm not 27 yet, and I'm still learning" - but then I was super insecure about it - "do you still love me? why am I not good enough for you?")
- My "the world is good" view (again, I think he sees this as niavity. I also think it pushes him and makes him uncomfortable)
I need to explain the maturity thing more..hopefully by doing so I can figure it out more. He said that my lack of maturity had to do with my lack of confidence at times. He said he thought that maybe someone older would have it more "together". And that that would make the relationship easier. Then he said it sounded ridiculous as soon as it came out of his mouth..that he knows no one has it all together. Damn this made me insecure. I have a huge knot in my stomach just thinking about it. But really, like my quote above states, I AM more immature than the average 27 year old. Sure! I'm TWENTY TWO years old. But I am also a hell of a lot more mature than the average 22 year old. And to be honest, I think our "maturity" levels are pretty similar.
But still...anything that confirms my fears of not being enough or being too much for him is just too hard right now. I feel terrified of losing him. I feel like I decided a while ago that the things that drive me crazy about him are just part of him. I decided to love him and only him. And it feels like I'm still being evaluated.
I know he wants to love me.. he daydreams about marrying me. He realizes (out loud) that his expectations are a bit ridiculous at times. But I hate that he has them. But then again, those are MY unrealistic expectations - that he should just KNOW. that he should never doubt I'm the woman for him. That he should love every little part of me.
I feel scared to love him this much.
Okay. So here's what I see as being the "issues":
My Issues with him
- His lack of patience and bad attitude (particularly when it is with me when I am being ditsy or forgetful and he acts so annoyed)
- His "the world is hard" view (I just want him to see the good in it! It frustrates me when I am enjoying life and he is not)
- His stubbornness
His issues with me
- My lack of maturity (the natural kind that comes with age.. when he told me this at first I was ok with it - "well, that's who I am. I'm not 27 yet, and I'm still learning" - but then I was super insecure about it - "do you still love me? why am I not good enough for you?")
- My "the world is good" view (again, I think he sees this as niavity. I also think it pushes him and makes him uncomfortable)
I need to explain the maturity thing more..hopefully by doing so I can figure it out more. He said that my lack of maturity had to do with my lack of confidence at times. He said he thought that maybe someone older would have it more "together". And that that would make the relationship easier. Then he said it sounded ridiculous as soon as it came out of his mouth..that he knows no one has it all together. Damn this made me insecure. I have a huge knot in my stomach just thinking about it. But really, like my quote above states, I AM more immature than the average 27 year old. Sure! I'm TWENTY TWO years old. But I am also a hell of a lot more mature than the average 22 year old. And to be honest, I think our "maturity" levels are pretty similar.
But still...anything that confirms my fears of not being enough or being too much for him is just too hard right now. I feel terrified of losing him. I feel like I decided a while ago that the things that drive me crazy about him are just part of him. I decided to love him and only him. And it feels like I'm still being evaluated.
I know he wants to love me.. he daydreams about marrying me. He realizes (out loud) that his expectations are a bit ridiculous at times. But I hate that he has them. But then again, those are MY unrealistic expectations - that he should just KNOW. that he should never doubt I'm the woman for him. That he should love every little part of me.
I feel scared to love him this much.
15.1.09
follow up
Text message received approximately 5 minutes after writing my rant after our phone call:
"Are you doing okay? You sounded a little down on the phone."
Arg! This would be so much easier if he was just always a jerk.
"Are you doing okay? You sounded a little down on the phone."
Arg! This would be so much easier if he was just always a jerk.
"I hate my period" and "we're fighting a lot lately"
Unfortunately I can not blame the later on the former..at least not all together..
To address the first title: I HATE MY PERIOD. I'm not sure how much more I can say about this. Cramps, crying, more crying, more crying, itchy v-j from damn tampons (but I hate pads), more crying, more crying, feeling insecure about my relationship, feeling insecure about myself, insecurity turing to anxiousness, more anxiousness, more anxiousness, more crying, oops now we're fighting, a ton more anxiousness, crying continues, chocolate, food, chocolate, anxiousness, crying, chocolate, chocolate, fighting, fighting, chocolate, crying...etc.
To address the second title: We've been fighting a lot for almost two weeks. And it's sometimes about nothing, and sometimes about legitimate things. But honestly, mostly it's because he's being really stubborn and dumb. And I'm saying this after taking some time to think about what I've said and done and how I could have handled things better.
I mean last night, for instance, he was really tired and crabby after work and picked me up for a "date night". I was already pms'ing and pretty tired from the week too, but I let myself get excited about seeing him. I had these shoes that I bought for him on sale the other day as a gift, and I dressed up in a short skirt with tights and boots because I knew he would like that. So I think the only thing he liked about the night was the shoes. He smiled and said "thank you" when I gave them to him and tried them on right away, looking pleased..
It was an okay start. He didn't say how I looked or ask how my day was. I was feeling really talkative and told him like 5 stories in a row, laughing and kissing him periodically. mind you, at the same time he was changing and we were taking out the trash, trying to get out the door so as not to be late. He was pretty disconnected, but I kept talking because, well, I wanted to! I LIKE him and I want to tell him everything!
It was all downhill from there. He swore SO MUCH last night. Every car in front of him was an idiot. He didn't smile when we finally found our resturaunt. When the food came he scarfed it down in 5 minutes flat and asked for the check. Then we were back in the car, rushing to the movie (it was incredibly snowy last night, making everyone drive like idiots for sure), and he was swearing at everything, STILL CRABBY, while I was STILL TRYING to make conversation, ask him how things were, be helpful with directions, be happy, be the girl he loves.. He just didn't try. He didn't try to be happy. And when we talked about it later he said that he couldn't see past the moment. That when he gets like that he is "short sighted".
We argued over which streets to take, where to park, and every thing that came out of my mouth in between. In the end we were 10 minutes late for the movie. He said "I don't think you know how much I hate to be late for movies". In the end we parked on the street after I asked to park in the garage so that we wouldn't be later than we already were. He said "I don't think you know how much I hate to pay for parkin". Well, which one do you HATE more??!
So we talked about all this. He knows he was in the wrong. It took me a really long time to forgive him. I still feel really hurt. Oh, for a bit of background he came over the night before and fought with me over really similar things for similar reasons. He said last night "I feel like you're seeing the real me and you don't like it". I said, "I feel like i'm seeing PART of you that I didn't see as much before. And no, I don't like it very much. It's hurtful."
I think it would all be okay if he hadn't just called me on his lunch hour and acted annoyed at everything I said. I feel like he's just so ready to pick a fight with me, and I'm still not quite sure why. But I miss us and I miss the other parts of him that he's holding back right now. It sucks. And I still have my period.
To address the first title: I HATE MY PERIOD. I'm not sure how much more I can say about this. Cramps, crying, more crying, more crying, itchy v-j from damn tampons (but I hate pads), more crying, more crying, feeling insecure about my relationship, feeling insecure about myself, insecurity turing to anxiousness, more anxiousness, more anxiousness, more crying, oops now we're fighting, a ton more anxiousness, crying continues, chocolate, food, chocolate, anxiousness, crying, chocolate, chocolate, fighting, fighting, chocolate, crying...etc.
To address the second title: We've been fighting a lot for almost two weeks. And it's sometimes about nothing, and sometimes about legitimate things. But honestly, mostly it's because he's being really stubborn and dumb. And I'm saying this after taking some time to think about what I've said and done and how I could have handled things better.
I mean last night, for instance, he was really tired and crabby after work and picked me up for a "date night". I was already pms'ing and pretty tired from the week too, but I let myself get excited about seeing him. I had these shoes that I bought for him on sale the other day as a gift, and I dressed up in a short skirt with tights and boots because I knew he would like that. So I think the only thing he liked about the night was the shoes. He smiled and said "thank you" when I gave them to him and tried them on right away, looking pleased..
It was an okay start. He didn't say how I looked or ask how my day was. I was feeling really talkative and told him like 5 stories in a row, laughing and kissing him periodically. mind you, at the same time he was changing and we were taking out the trash, trying to get out the door so as not to be late. He was pretty disconnected, but I kept talking because, well, I wanted to! I LIKE him and I want to tell him everything!
It was all downhill from there. He swore SO MUCH last night. Every car in front of him was an idiot. He didn't smile when we finally found our resturaunt. When the food came he scarfed it down in 5 minutes flat and asked for the check. Then we were back in the car, rushing to the movie (it was incredibly snowy last night, making everyone drive like idiots for sure), and he was swearing at everything, STILL CRABBY, while I was STILL TRYING to make conversation, ask him how things were, be helpful with directions, be happy, be the girl he loves.. He just didn't try. He didn't try to be happy. And when we talked about it later he said that he couldn't see past the moment. That when he gets like that he is "short sighted".
We argued over which streets to take, where to park, and every thing that came out of my mouth in between. In the end we were 10 minutes late for the movie. He said "I don't think you know how much I hate to be late for movies". In the end we parked on the street after I asked to park in the garage so that we wouldn't be later than we already were. He said "I don't think you know how much I hate to pay for parkin". Well, which one do you HATE more??!
So we talked about all this. He knows he was in the wrong. It took me a really long time to forgive him. I still feel really hurt. Oh, for a bit of background he came over the night before and fought with me over really similar things for similar reasons. He said last night "I feel like you're seeing the real me and you don't like it". I said, "I feel like i'm seeing PART of you that I didn't see as much before. And no, I don't like it very much. It's hurtful."
I think it would all be okay if he hadn't just called me on his lunch hour and acted annoyed at everything I said. I feel like he's just so ready to pick a fight with me, and I'm still not quite sure why. But I miss us and I miss the other parts of him that he's holding back right now. It sucks. And I still have my period.
22.12.08
"TMI?"
How much is too much information in a relationship? I'm having a weird time dealing with some things my boyfriend told me last night regarding his past, er, masturbation habits. We also discussed what a dirty sounding word masturbation is and how we should think of a new one for it. any suggestions?
Anyway I don't want to spill the whole thing in case by some chance he were to read this and feel totally betrayed, but basically he admitted that he used to look at erotic literature a LOT (still does once in a while) and (this is what keeps flashing in my mind) used to masturbate for HOURS AT A TIME. He did this for a few reasons: he was a little depressed and lonely, he had nothing else to do, and he thought that women wanted "stamina" in a man (though at this point he had never been sexual with a woman).
Okay, okay..so I told him in the beginning of our relationship that I wasn't a virgin. What I didn't tell him was that I've slept with just under 10 people and that some of them I had only known a few days and never saw after the fact. I feel like I told him enough to keep him informed, but not TOO much that might stick in his head and make him feel jealous and icky inside.
I think I'm mostly fine with the fact that he still looks at porn once in a while. I also think it's good that we talked about it..when those things are a secret they get bigger and have more power over you. Of course if we were ever closer to marriage I would want to talk about what that looks like in that setting and how we would handle it if it ever became an issue....I definitely think it's okay that he masturbates-- so do I. So why do I keep picturing him as this young depressed kid masturbating for hours at a time and feel really creeped out and confused? It's not who he is anymore and I think my past is equally as disturbing. I know I have to give myself a little slack and let myself feel weird about it for a while - it will probably go away on it's own- but it's bothering me.
Anyway I don't want to spill the whole thing in case by some chance he were to read this and feel totally betrayed, but basically he admitted that he used to look at erotic literature a LOT (still does once in a while) and (this is what keeps flashing in my mind) used to masturbate for HOURS AT A TIME. He did this for a few reasons: he was a little depressed and lonely, he had nothing else to do, and he thought that women wanted "stamina" in a man (though at this point he had never been sexual with a woman).
Okay, okay..so I told him in the beginning of our relationship that I wasn't a virgin. What I didn't tell him was that I've slept with just under 10 people and that some of them I had only known a few days and never saw after the fact. I feel like I told him enough to keep him informed, but not TOO much that might stick in his head and make him feel jealous and icky inside.
I think I'm mostly fine with the fact that he still looks at porn once in a while. I also think it's good that we talked about it..when those things are a secret they get bigger and have more power over you. Of course if we were ever closer to marriage I would want to talk about what that looks like in that setting and how we would handle it if it ever became an issue....I definitely think it's okay that he masturbates-- so do I. So why do I keep picturing him as this young depressed kid masturbating for hours at a time and feel really creeped out and confused? It's not who he is anymore and I think my past is equally as disturbing. I know I have to give myself a little slack and let myself feel weird about it for a while - it will probably go away on it's own- but it's bothering me.
5.12.08
"Scattered Thoughts on Marriage and Stuff"
This post is at the request of a dear friend... Her nudging me to write reminded me how we usually stop writing when things are going well. Unless we really like to write, like she does. And actually things havn't been going that well, so where the hell have I been?!
I "met the parents" over the thanksgiving weekend. All in all, it went really well. His mom even offered him his grandma's wedding ring before we left. Which, in itself, I am SO excited about. I would love an antique ring more than anything and I must say that I look damn good with a sparkly ring on my left hand-- I've tried on plenty :)
However, there was one thing standing in the way of our perfect weekend: The Horribles. We nicknamed my hormones/pms "The Horribles" after dealing with them for an entire 9 hour car ride. They had actually started the night before at his house and he was great about it. He held me while I cried and told me he loved me. He didn't question me too much or act annoyed that I was sad for no particular reason. However, like I mentioned, we had a NINE hour car ride the next day. This poor boy.. I mean, poor me too, but he has so much less of an understanding of and experience level with it all. By the end of the trip we were so ready to go to our respective homes..and for the first time I thought about what marrying someone actually means..
When you're married, you don't get to go to your respective homes when you're tired and tired of each other. You have to be with that person through EVERYTHING. In addition, they fill up all of your free time and are your +1 to EVERYTHING you do. Also there's a really big possibility the sex will get bad or boring and even worse so will the conversation. OH. MY. GOD. I know this isn't news to anyone, but it kind of is to me. Regardless of how much I "know" about the realities of marriage, I think that actually considering marrying someone is making me see them in an all new light.
Don't get me wrong, I want to marry him. He is the most kind and handsome man I've ever met. I love how his personality shows through his eyes and the little wrinkles that have formed from how his eyes squint when he smiles. I love that he is sooo serious about things that I've never taken the time to think about. I love what a patient and kind listener he is. I love that he acts all intellegent and jaded one minute, but wants to dream unrealistic dreams the next.
All I'm saying is marriage is one thing I can wait for. If you didn't get my drift earlier, it's a BIG DEAL. Thank God I didn't marry my pothead highschool boyfriend in Vegas that one summer.. because then all I'd be is a divorced woman who thinks marriage is a big deal :)
The story of our weekend has a happy ending. Monday we took some time apart, but Tuesday night I surprised him with a candlelit dinner up in my room, and he surprised me with a beautiful rose boquet! I think both of us were so ready to let all of the intenseness go and just show that we care about each other. It was one of those times we were completely on the same page. We watched funny tv shows in bed and made out ("made out") before falling asleep..
Positive thoughts to start the day:
- His parents liked me (a lot)!
- We were able to talk about all of this and gain understanding of where each other are coming from
- There is no rush to get married and we can focus on enjoying each other in this moment in our lifes
Non boyfriend related positive thoughts:
- My job has been really busy, which is great
- My nephew is SO cute. I love him so much
- I have more people I care about in my life than I have time to see on a regular basis
- I have had the desire to paint again lately
- Christmas is coming!
- I get to sleep in tomorrow
I "met the parents" over the thanksgiving weekend. All in all, it went really well. His mom even offered him his grandma's wedding ring before we left. Which, in itself, I am SO excited about. I would love an antique ring more than anything and I must say that I look damn good with a sparkly ring on my left hand-- I've tried on plenty :)
However, there was one thing standing in the way of our perfect weekend: The Horribles. We nicknamed my hormones/pms "The Horribles" after dealing with them for an entire 9 hour car ride. They had actually started the night before at his house and he was great about it. He held me while I cried and told me he loved me. He didn't question me too much or act annoyed that I was sad for no particular reason. However, like I mentioned, we had a NINE hour car ride the next day. This poor boy.. I mean, poor me too, but he has so much less of an understanding of and experience level with it all. By the end of the trip we were so ready to go to our respective homes..and for the first time I thought about what marrying someone actually means..
When you're married, you don't get to go to your respective homes when you're tired and tired of each other. You have to be with that person through EVERYTHING. In addition, they fill up all of your free time and are your +1 to EVERYTHING you do. Also there's a really big possibility the sex will get bad or boring and even worse so will the conversation. OH. MY. GOD. I know this isn't news to anyone, but it kind of is to me. Regardless of how much I "know" about the realities of marriage, I think that actually considering marrying someone is making me see them in an all new light.
Don't get me wrong, I want to marry him. He is the most kind and handsome man I've ever met. I love how his personality shows through his eyes and the little wrinkles that have formed from how his eyes squint when he smiles. I love that he is sooo serious about things that I've never taken the time to think about. I love what a patient and kind listener he is. I love that he acts all intellegent and jaded one minute, but wants to dream unrealistic dreams the next.
All I'm saying is marriage is one thing I can wait for. If you didn't get my drift earlier, it's a BIG DEAL. Thank God I didn't marry my pothead highschool boyfriend in Vegas that one summer.. because then all I'd be is a divorced woman who thinks marriage is a big deal :)
The story of our weekend has a happy ending. Monday we took some time apart, but Tuesday night I surprised him with a candlelit dinner up in my room, and he surprised me with a beautiful rose boquet! I think both of us were so ready to let all of the intenseness go and just show that we care about each other. It was one of those times we were completely on the same page. We watched funny tv shows in bed and made out ("made out") before falling asleep..
Positive thoughts to start the day:
- His parents liked me (a lot)!
- We were able to talk about all of this and gain understanding of where each other are coming from
- There is no rush to get married and we can focus on enjoying each other in this moment in our lifes
Non boyfriend related positive thoughts:
- My job has been really busy, which is great
- My nephew is SO cute. I love him so much
- I have more people I care about in my life than I have time to see on a regular basis
- I have had the desire to paint again lately
- Christmas is coming!
- I get to sleep in tomorrow
19.11.08
"This has officially become my place for boyfriend word vomit?"
So I'm beginning to be really glad no one (except one lovely friend) reads this blog. It's like really boring. I would hate for people to think all I do is obsess over little interactions with my boyfriend. I mean, that DOES consume a big chunk of my life (don't deny it-- it does yours as well) but I have other interests as well, damn it!
Anyway, on to what I came here to do. Give an update on the situation yesterday. Following my blog post I texted my boyfriend, "Were you annoyed with me when you left this morning?" He replied "What?! No..Were you mad at me?" Then I just called him because I figured it would be hell of a lot easier to figure it out. And it was.
So pretty much he felt bad that we messed around after he told me that he wanted to do that. So he thought I only did it because he wanted to and therefore felt a little bit like a jerk. THEN I guess I was being kind of distant when he was getting out the door (in my mind I was just trying to get him to work on time!) so he pulled away as well, hence causing me to feel like he was "annoyed" with me.
Last night we talked about how happy we are to be with each other and to be able to talk about these things as they come up; because while they are not a "big" deal, in the grand scheme of things being able to communicate when you feel a little jilted or confused can go a LONG way.
Anyway, on to what I came here to do. Give an update on the situation yesterday. Following my blog post I texted my boyfriend, "Were you annoyed with me when you left this morning?" He replied "What?! No..Were you mad at me?" Then I just called him because I figured it would be hell of a lot easier to figure it out. And it was.
So pretty much he felt bad that we messed around after he told me that he wanted to do that. So he thought I only did it because he wanted to and therefore felt a little bit like a jerk. THEN I guess I was being kind of distant when he was getting out the door (in my mind I was just trying to get him to work on time!) so he pulled away as well, hence causing me to feel like he was "annoyed" with me.
Last night we talked about how happy we are to be with each other and to be able to talk about these things as they come up; because while they are not a "big" deal, in the grand scheme of things being able to communicate when you feel a little jilted or confused can go a LONG way.
18.11.08
"Oh...the little things"
This is way more a quick vent than a thoughtful post..
Last night my boyfriend's car broke down so we got to spend an unplanned night hanging out and then he slept over. Now we had been together camping the whole weekend, so I was pleasantly surprised when we were both excited to see each other after less than a day apart!
It seemed to be going so well.. I was in a silly mood and kept flirting with him until he cracked a smile, and then eventually joined me in lovie dovie bliss..
We made out before going to bed and I made the decision that I was way too tired to fool around. He jokingly gave me crap, but then said it was a good decision and that he was tired to. So then we fell asleep and all still felt good in coupledom..
I heard him wake up before me in the morning, but fell back asleep for a while. In an hour or so I crawled out of my bed on the floor (we sleep separate for a few different reasons) and into bed with him. I could tell immediately he was emotional and "off" in some way, so I asked him, "what's wrong?" He sort of groaned and rolled over and then said quietly "why do you think something's wrong?" and I said "That's obviously not the issue, because something IS wrong. What's going on?" and he said "I don't want to tell you.." and I said "okay..?"
So then he told me what was wrong. And it was so silly. He knew it was silly and I did too-- I didn't feel upset or get upset even. He had wanted me to come and cuddle with him when he first got up and (adding to the fact I have been unresponsive to cuddling past mornings because of wanting to keep sleeping) started to feel upset that I "would rather sleep than cuddle with him". Now, this is so weird because this kid is never jealous of other guys or me spending time with my girlfriends...he is usually rather level headed. But here he was, jealous of my wanting to sleep!
Like I said, I wasn't upset and even kind of giggled about it... "not a big deal" I told him "and the only thing I like better than sleeping is waking up to you next to me" (trying to boost the ego a bit, but honestly it's true!) So then one thing led to another and we ended up making out and fooling around before rushing off to work.
So here's where it gets annoying (I mean that in the fact that I'm annoyed to be feeling weird or upset when it was a really fun night together!). When I was leaving he seemed really distant and even made some joking reference to how I was acting like his mom because I made him a lunch and saw him out the door. Now, would your mom give you a f*cking hand job at 7am!?? I think not.. Anyway I guess I'm just annoyed because I re-assured him when really he was being the jerk and then gave him some physical action afterwards and he couldn't even leave things affectionately..
Granted, he was running out the door to a job he isn't crazy about. He was tired. He probably felt like crap a little bit for being a jerk about the cuddling thing. But I don't know.. sometimes his feeling bad for being "a jerk" makes him actually BE a jerk because it makes him all distant and crap! ugh!
Anyway in the grand scheme of things I'm really not that upset. sigh..also just don't feel like working.. :) blah.
Last night my boyfriend's car broke down so we got to spend an unplanned night hanging out and then he slept over. Now we had been together camping the whole weekend, so I was pleasantly surprised when we were both excited to see each other after less than a day apart!
It seemed to be going so well.. I was in a silly mood and kept flirting with him until he cracked a smile, and then eventually joined me in lovie dovie bliss..
We made out before going to bed and I made the decision that I was way too tired to fool around. He jokingly gave me crap, but then said it was a good decision and that he was tired to. So then we fell asleep and all still felt good in coupledom..
I heard him wake up before me in the morning, but fell back asleep for a while. In an hour or so I crawled out of my bed on the floor (we sleep separate for a few different reasons) and into bed with him. I could tell immediately he was emotional and "off" in some way, so I asked him, "what's wrong?" He sort of groaned and rolled over and then said quietly "why do you think something's wrong?" and I said "That's obviously not the issue, because something IS wrong. What's going on?" and he said "I don't want to tell you.." and I said "okay..?"
So then he told me what was wrong. And it was so silly. He knew it was silly and I did too-- I didn't feel upset or get upset even. He had wanted me to come and cuddle with him when he first got up and (adding to the fact I have been unresponsive to cuddling past mornings because of wanting to keep sleeping) started to feel upset that I "would rather sleep than cuddle with him". Now, this is so weird because this kid is never jealous of other guys or me spending time with my girlfriends...he is usually rather level headed. But here he was, jealous of my wanting to sleep!
Like I said, I wasn't upset and even kind of giggled about it... "not a big deal" I told him "and the only thing I like better than sleeping is waking up to you next to me" (trying to boost the ego a bit, but honestly it's true!) So then one thing led to another and we ended up making out and fooling around before rushing off to work.
So here's where it gets annoying (I mean that in the fact that I'm annoyed to be feeling weird or upset when it was a really fun night together!). When I was leaving he seemed really distant and even made some joking reference to how I was acting like his mom because I made him a lunch and saw him out the door. Now, would your mom give you a f*cking hand job at 7am!?? I think not.. Anyway I guess I'm just annoyed because I re-assured him when really he was being the jerk and then gave him some physical action afterwards and he couldn't even leave things affectionately..
Granted, he was running out the door to a job he isn't crazy about. He was tired. He probably felt like crap a little bit for being a jerk about the cuddling thing. But I don't know.. sometimes his feeling bad for being "a jerk" makes him actually BE a jerk because it makes him all distant and crap! ugh!
Anyway in the grand scheme of things I'm really not that upset. sigh..also just don't feel like working.. :) blah.
13.11.08
"Good orgasm, Bad reaction"
Have you ever messed around with a guy (whatever that means for you at this place and time in your life) and then felt totally horrible about it? Okay, so once I slept with this total ass hole from the community college down the street from my house when I was like 16. He should have known better, treated me better, and at the least cuddled with me afterwards. But what about when it's someone you have been dating for a long time, or someone you are in love with, or someone that shows you he respects and values ALL the parts of you on a daily basis (or ideally, someone who fits all of those descriptions)?
What's the deal with that? Do you ever wonder? If you're anything like me, you do. My wonderings have brought me to a place where at the least I know and accept that physical contact is not something that comes simply or easily and brings automatic intimacy to almost anybody.
Recently I was talking with a friend from high school (I only have three of those left) who knew me back in my rock star days, and actually partied right there beside me (she's the only one from that crowd I still keep in touch with. Most of the rest are still smoking meth in their trailers). Now, I stopped doing drugs, drinking, and having sex (there were a few slip ups here and there) when I became a Christian. This girl, however, is not nor has ever claimed to be a Christian, but also was really understanding as I got used to being one and the many changes that implied. Anyway, this girl is not currently having sex with her boyfriend. She's not even doing sexual things; no hand jobs, no "heavy petting", you get the picture. When I asked her why she said "It gets too complicated with all that.. this way I can get to know who he really is and have a clear picture of what's really going on with us."
Mind you, this girl has a complicated sexual history like I do, so you may not think her theory applies to you (or you're getting that feeling inside where you want to stop hearing something because it might force you to think about making an actual CHANGE in your life), but don't we all have a complicated history to some extent? Even if you weren't the class slut or haven't even said "slut" out loud, I believe that every look a man has given you, every time they have accepted or rejected your affection, and every moment of your romantic history has been shaping you and preparing you for your current situation - or at the least it has pushed you into it.
I'm not advocating abstinence. I'm not advocating anything except for relationships that have space and grace for two people to bring their sexual histories (or lack thereof) together openly and think about what that means for each other. And coming back to my original question, this may not always be enough to keep you from feeling horrible after being intimate with the one you're with. You may be in a trusting, loving, relationship and one day- seconds after reaching a beautiful mind blowing orgasm together- feel alone, rejected, and used. Chances are, this is not because your partner is distant, doesn't care about you, or is using you. Talk about it, have grace when your partner wants to talk about it (and yes, have even MORE grace if they need to talk about it again, and again, and again), and most of all, don't let it control who you are together or prevent you from seeing each other clearly. And yes, if necessary, take my friends advice and quit all that stuff for a while. You may like where it leads you and what it teaches you...
What's the deal with that? Do you ever wonder? If you're anything like me, you do. My wonderings have brought me to a place where at the least I know and accept that physical contact is not something that comes simply or easily and brings automatic intimacy to almost anybody.
Recently I was talking with a friend from high school (I only have three of those left) who knew me back in my rock star days, and actually partied right there beside me (she's the only one from that crowd I still keep in touch with. Most of the rest are still smoking meth in their trailers). Now, I stopped doing drugs, drinking, and having sex (there were a few slip ups here and there) when I became a Christian. This girl, however, is not nor has ever claimed to be a Christian, but also was really understanding as I got used to being one and the many changes that implied. Anyway, this girl is not currently having sex with her boyfriend. She's not even doing sexual things; no hand jobs, no "heavy petting", you get the picture. When I asked her why she said "It gets too complicated with all that.. this way I can get to know who he really is and have a clear picture of what's really going on with us."
Mind you, this girl has a complicated sexual history like I do, so you may not think her theory applies to you (or you're getting that feeling inside where you want to stop hearing something because it might force you to think about making an actual CHANGE in your life), but don't we all have a complicated history to some extent? Even if you weren't the class slut or haven't even said "slut" out loud, I believe that every look a man has given you, every time they have accepted or rejected your affection, and every moment of your romantic history has been shaping you and preparing you for your current situation - or at the least it has pushed you into it.
I'm not advocating abstinence. I'm not advocating anything except for relationships that have space and grace for two people to bring their sexual histories (or lack thereof) together openly and think about what that means for each other. And coming back to my original question, this may not always be enough to keep you from feeling horrible after being intimate with the one you're with. You may be in a trusting, loving, relationship and one day- seconds after reaching a beautiful mind blowing orgasm together- feel alone, rejected, and used. Chances are, this is not because your partner is distant, doesn't care about you, or is using you. Talk about it, have grace when your partner wants to talk about it (and yes, have even MORE grace if they need to talk about it again, and again, and again), and most of all, don't let it control who you are together or prevent you from seeing each other clearly. And yes, if necessary, take my friends advice and quit all that stuff for a while. You may like where it leads you and what it teaches you...
12.11.08
"Practicality + Certainty = Love?"
True facts about me:
I like things to have answers. I like things to have PRACTICAL answers-- to follow a pattern, be obvious, and make sense. This is why I like mathematics; it can be hair-pullingly mind-blowingly hard, but I KNOW that someone out there has reached the solution I'm trying to find. I know I'm not putting time and effort into something for nothing.
Also, I don't love surprises. There have been a few I've really enjoyed (for instance on our two month anniversary my boyfriend drove across town at 7am to bring me flowers and chocolates while I was on the couch eating a bagle in my sweats and glasses. LOVED it), but for the most part I like to know what's ahead so I can plan for it.
And finally, I love to fall in love. I truely do. I love getting to know another person in a way that no one else has known them. I love giving myself to them; my time, energy, emotions, and affections. I love believing for those few months that everything can turn out like the fantasy in my head... And I think you have to have that time in a relationship; it's part of the ground you stand on when shit gets real. You have to have that time apart from any committment or certainty where you let yourself love someone for who and what they are to you at that very moment. But in order to do that, you have to take a HUGE risk. There will be surprises, and times where you don't have any answers, and times where you have answers aren't what you think they should be.
And hence, the discomfort that comes with being in love. It can be so contradictory to who I am. And I forget that sometimes. I get mad at myself for not being more relaxed, more trusting, more "go with the flow" if you will.. But in reality I have every reason to be freeked out!! And accepting that helps me relax a little.
I like things to have answers. I like things to have PRACTICAL answers-- to follow a pattern, be obvious, and make sense. This is why I like mathematics; it can be hair-pullingly mind-blowingly hard, but I KNOW that someone out there has reached the solution I'm trying to find. I know I'm not putting time and effort into something for nothing.
Also, I don't love surprises. There have been a few I've really enjoyed (for instance on our two month anniversary my boyfriend drove across town at 7am to bring me flowers and chocolates while I was on the couch eating a bagle in my sweats and glasses. LOVED it), but for the most part I like to know what's ahead so I can plan for it.
And finally, I love to fall in love. I truely do. I love getting to know another person in a way that no one else has known them. I love giving myself to them; my time, energy, emotions, and affections. I love believing for those few months that everything can turn out like the fantasy in my head... And I think you have to have that time in a relationship; it's part of the ground you stand on when shit gets real. You have to have that time apart from any committment or certainty where you let yourself love someone for who and what they are to you at that very moment. But in order to do that, you have to take a HUGE risk. There will be surprises, and times where you don't have any answers, and times where you have answers aren't what you think they should be.
And hence, the discomfort that comes with being in love. It can be so contradictory to who I am. And I forget that sometimes. I get mad at myself for not being more relaxed, more trusting, more "go with the flow" if you will.. But in reality I have every reason to be freeked out!! And accepting that helps me relax a little.
10.11.08
"My biggest fear"
I felt so crazy this weekend. I still feel a little crazy, but praise God it has faded a little bit. I feel so insecure sometimes, so needy, so desparate. I told my sister that sometimes I want to eat my boyfriend so that I always have him inside of me; I want to consume him. She said, "like GOD?" Yes, like that.
I am beautiful. I have many interests, talents, and passions. I have so much to offer in this relationship. And I believe those things, I really do! So why do I feel unworthy of his love and interest. Why do I feel like I won't be enough to keep him happy. Why do I feel like my needs will be too much for him to handle, and that eventually I will slowly and painfully push him away. why?
Partially, I am a little bit depressed. I forget about this sometimes. I am just a little depressed and it has nothing to do with anyone or anything in my life. Well, I make it have to do with those people and things, but it's just a FEELING. A horrible, chemical, feeling. It runs strongly in my family, along with anxiety and guilting people into feeling ways and doing things you want them to do.
Partially, I AM NOT BETTER YET. I still feel like a scared 15 year old. I can still picture Jake's cold shoulder and my pathetic tears and screams as I would run after him. Literally, sometimes, running after him through the halls at school or down his driveway. "Why!!?" I screamed once, after the third time he cheated on me, and after he tried to lie about it and make me feel crazy for being suspicious. "Why do you want to hurt me like this!?" He smirked..God I hated that smirk. When he wanted to love me the right way he would smile this smile that I knew no one else had ever seen... He had kind eyes and soft hands. But at times like this his eyes would be distant, his hands wouldn't even try to touch me, and he would smirk like I was the dumbest girl he had ever known. I remember after the third time he cheated on me going home and destroying my room. It was the only time I did something like that...Throwing things at the wall, crying like my entire family was murdered, and wishing I could die rather than feel that kind of pain.
My biggest fear is that these memories and my resulting insecurities will keep me from the person that I want to be with-- or more terrifying, that they will keep that person from loving me.
I am beautiful. I have many interests, talents, and passions. I have so much to offer in this relationship. And I believe those things, I really do! So why do I feel unworthy of his love and interest. Why do I feel like I won't be enough to keep him happy. Why do I feel like my needs will be too much for him to handle, and that eventually I will slowly and painfully push him away. why?
Partially, I am a little bit depressed. I forget about this sometimes. I am just a little depressed and it has nothing to do with anyone or anything in my life. Well, I make it have to do with those people and things, but it's just a FEELING. A horrible, chemical, feeling. It runs strongly in my family, along with anxiety and guilting people into feeling ways and doing things you want them to do.
Partially, I AM NOT BETTER YET. I still feel like a scared 15 year old. I can still picture Jake's cold shoulder and my pathetic tears and screams as I would run after him. Literally, sometimes, running after him through the halls at school or down his driveway. "Why!!?" I screamed once, after the third time he cheated on me, and after he tried to lie about it and make me feel crazy for being suspicious. "Why do you want to hurt me like this!?" He smirked..God I hated that smirk. When he wanted to love me the right way he would smile this smile that I knew no one else had ever seen... He had kind eyes and soft hands. But at times like this his eyes would be distant, his hands wouldn't even try to touch me, and he would smirk like I was the dumbest girl he had ever known. I remember after the third time he cheated on me going home and destroying my room. It was the only time I did something like that...Throwing things at the wall, crying like my entire family was murdered, and wishing I could die rather than feel that kind of pain.
My biggest fear is that these memories and my resulting insecurities will keep me from the person that I want to be with-- or more terrifying, that they will keep that person from loving me.
6.11.08
"And this is why I love him"
Excerpts from his email:
"So, I'm questioning my judgment for trying to hang out with you bunch when I should've known that I would be tired and cranky. I suppose I expected you to be okay with this and fill the companionship that I felt like I needed. To your point, I've been trying to have to fill these holes with you, when they should be filled with God and other friends, something I'm feeling very convicted about right now."
"I'm not sure what all this means, except that I'll try to be more in tune with how things are with me, and what I actually need. I think I've been too willing to just do things because I sense that's what you wanted or what we've always done."
Okay, it's not "everything is fine because I'll love you and do anything for you!" like I think I want sometimes, but it's real. It's honest. It's willing to compromise, and learn from our mistakes, and be together even when it kinda sucks..like right now.
"So, I'm questioning my judgment for trying to hang out with you bunch when I should've known that I would be tired and cranky. I suppose I expected you to be okay with this and fill the companionship that I felt like I needed. To your point, I've been trying to have to fill these holes with you, when they should be filled with God and other friends, something I'm feeling very convicted about right now."
"I'm not sure what all this means, except that I'll try to be more in tune with how things are with me, and what I actually need. I think I've been too willing to just do things because I sense that's what you wanted or what we've always done."
Okay, it's not "everything is fine because I'll love you and do anything for you!" like I think I want sometimes, but it's real. It's honest. It's willing to compromise, and learn from our mistakes, and be together even when it kinda sucks..like right now.
"A whole new world"
hahaha where have I been!?!?
People have been blogging for years and years. And I'm supposedly of this generation. But still, I am surprised as I tour this site, see just how many people are sitting at their desks doing exactly what I'm doing, and feeling humbled as I view the latest "blogs of note".
A friend of mine recently hired a web designer to spiff up her blog. Did all of you do that, too? Or are you those people that in addition to being amazing artists, farmers, and thinkers also have the time and skills to make their blog incredibly beautiful?
I think I'll save vamping mine up for a rainy day. A boring, nothing to do, day. Of which, my life has none! So I guess what you see is what you get. Will anyone really see this? Will anyone really read this? I guess when I started writing (was that 10 minutes ago now?) I didn't want them to. But lets be honest, everyone wants people to love their blog. That's one thing I do know.
Also, my boyfriend STILL has not emailed me back. It's so frustrating. Here's how I REALLY feel: That ass hole. He doesn't have a job. He's sitting at home playing his fucking wii and probably looking at porn and eating cereal because he hasen't been grocery shopping in weeks. He probably feels overwhelmed by the page-long email I sent him expressing even more indepth how I felt last night (we talked in person for an hour and then on the phone when I got home as well) and apologizing, yet again, for it not being a perfect, fabulous, night. For not loving him perfectly and for not stopping my crying anxious bullshit thoughts from spewing all over him. But seriously, he can't write back? He can't write three sentences thanking me for my honesty and reminding me for the tenth time this week that he still loves me the same regardless of all of this? I know this isn't completely healthy. But I don't think it's the worst anyone's ever been in a relationship. I find some comfort in knowing people suck at this a lot worse than me. We don't really know how to make ourselves happy, do we? It's that much harder to make someone else happy.... Here's how I'm going to handle it: get on facebook and maybe window shop online for a bit. "Patiently" wait for the email that I'm almost positive will come just when I'm about to flip out and that most likely will remind me what an awesome guy he really is...
People have been blogging for years and years. And I'm supposedly of this generation. But still, I am surprised as I tour this site, see just how many people are sitting at their desks doing exactly what I'm doing, and feeling humbled as I view the latest "blogs of note".
A friend of mine recently hired a web designer to spiff up her blog. Did all of you do that, too? Or are you those people that in addition to being amazing artists, farmers, and thinkers also have the time and skills to make their blog incredibly beautiful?
I think I'll save vamping mine up for a rainy day. A boring, nothing to do, day. Of which, my life has none! So I guess what you see is what you get. Will anyone really see this? Will anyone really read this? I guess when I started writing (was that 10 minutes ago now?) I didn't want them to. But lets be honest, everyone wants people to love their blog. That's one thing I do know.
Also, my boyfriend STILL has not emailed me back. It's so frustrating. Here's how I REALLY feel: That ass hole. He doesn't have a job. He's sitting at home playing his fucking wii and probably looking at porn and eating cereal because he hasen't been grocery shopping in weeks. He probably feels overwhelmed by the page-long email I sent him expressing even more indepth how I felt last night (we talked in person for an hour and then on the phone when I got home as well) and apologizing, yet again, for it not being a perfect, fabulous, night. For not loving him perfectly and for not stopping my crying anxious bullshit thoughts from spewing all over him. But seriously, he can't write back? He can't write three sentences thanking me for my honesty and reminding me for the tenth time this week that he still loves me the same regardless of all of this? I know this isn't completely healthy. But I don't think it's the worst anyone's ever been in a relationship. I find some comfort in knowing people suck at this a lot worse than me. We don't really know how to make ourselves happy, do we? It's that much harder to make someone else happy.... Here's how I'm going to handle it: get on facebook and maybe window shop online for a bit. "Patiently" wait for the email that I'm almost positive will come just when I'm about to flip out and that most likely will remind me what an awesome guy he really is...
"I'm not better yet"
I decided that I need a blog. I decided that about 2 minutes ago. That's how I work--sometimes. I can be really spontaneous. I kind of have to be, because I'm really bad at keeping secrets or appreciating surprises.
I decided I need a blog because I think everyone in my life has already heard everything I feel like saying. Yet, I still feel like saying these things. My sister tirelessly supports me as I spew my inmost thoughts and feelings; affirming my insecurities and encouraging my few stable and productive thoughts. My parents listen, too. They pray with me when I ask and tell me how amazing I am all the time. They have done this since before I can remember. My parents and my sister seem to think I am a pretty amazing person. I like that.. I need that. Because I don't feel so amazing all the time.
My boyfriend listens, too. I don't have very many normal girlfriend complaints about this one.. He is sensitive, patient, quick to listen and affirm... but he has his days. Like the last few days. He hasen't really been present. I mean, he's physically present, but where the hell is he? Lost in his own head. And he needs to be sometimes..we all do. But then I still feel like talking, processing, and I know he's listening...but not really. I'm not sure whether or not to blame him for that. I feel like I can't, but I still want to a little bit.
The other night he gave me an orgasm so strong that I cried. I mean, I really cried..sobbing, shaking, lip trembling tears.. I heard myself saying "oh my God..oh my God.. oh MY GOD" like I was in a damn porno, and I couldn't stop it. It was amazing, wonderful, scarry, lovely, and definitely a first-- of which, sexually, I don't have many left. I treasure these few "firsts" with him. I wish I had more of them left.
We don't have sex. We've done everything else, practically, but not that... It's a little rough because I want to be as close to him as possible. Sometimes I feel like he'll love me more if I sleep with him. Sometimes I feel like I'll love him more if I sleep with him. Sometimes I feel like he can never leave me if I sleep with him. I have some abandonment issues that date back to 10th grade year of high school. It's a long story, and okay, it starts in 8th grade, really...
In 8th grade I fell in love, had sex, and dreamed of happily ever after. When that didn't happen I vowed to remain a "virgin" again until I was married. In 10th grade I was the typical 10th grader-- looking for excitement, fulfillment, and love in the growingly un-exciting, fulfilling, and loving world around me. I found that in Jake. Well, I found something that felt like excitement, fulfillment, and yes even love. Unfortunately, Jake saw my neediness, or that's my take on it. That's my theory on why he thought he could have sex with me that night-- even though I said no. I mean, I didn't really resist, and I went along with all the physical movements, but I said no. After that it was like he owned me. He owned my thoughts, feelings, and especially my body. When I gave it to him I felt close to him. When I didn't, I felt empowered, but lonely. Jake and I dated on and off for a year or so. And by "on and off" I mean we dated when he wasen't cheating on me and when I was desperate enough to take him back. After we finally cut things off, I slept with this guy at the local community college. I said "no" to him as well, but once again, my body said yes. And once again, the "no" that came from my mouth, from me, didn't really seem to exist. After that I slept with a couple guys at my high school. After that I got really depressed and started using drugs (pot, mushrooms, and "uppers" at first...and eventually cocaine, meth, and some things I don't even know the names for)...
I've come a long way. I haven't had technical sex in over two years, haven't used drugs in over three years, and generally love and respect myself quite a bit. So much has happened to get me from who I was then to who I am now, and yet I feel like I'm still waiting for the final push. I feel like i'm waiting to feel whole, complete, satisfied. My feelings of anxiety- the feelings that make me talk to the people I love until there's nothing left to say when there's nothing they can do to make it better-- come when I feel like I'm not "better yet". And they say it takes a lifetime to figure this stuff out... so I guess what I could really use is a bit of patience.
I decided I need a blog because I think everyone in my life has already heard everything I feel like saying. Yet, I still feel like saying these things. My sister tirelessly supports me as I spew my inmost thoughts and feelings; affirming my insecurities and encouraging my few stable and productive thoughts. My parents listen, too. They pray with me when I ask and tell me how amazing I am all the time. They have done this since before I can remember. My parents and my sister seem to think I am a pretty amazing person. I like that.. I need that. Because I don't feel so amazing all the time.
My boyfriend listens, too. I don't have very many normal girlfriend complaints about this one.. He is sensitive, patient, quick to listen and affirm... but he has his days. Like the last few days. He hasen't really been present. I mean, he's physically present, but where the hell is he? Lost in his own head. And he needs to be sometimes..we all do. But then I still feel like talking, processing, and I know he's listening...but not really. I'm not sure whether or not to blame him for that. I feel like I can't, but I still want to a little bit.
The other night he gave me an orgasm so strong that I cried. I mean, I really cried..sobbing, shaking, lip trembling tears.. I heard myself saying "oh my God..oh my God.. oh MY GOD" like I was in a damn porno, and I couldn't stop it. It was amazing, wonderful, scarry, lovely, and definitely a first-- of which, sexually, I don't have many left. I treasure these few "firsts" with him. I wish I had more of them left.
We don't have sex. We've done everything else, practically, but not that... It's a little rough because I want to be as close to him as possible. Sometimes I feel like he'll love me more if I sleep with him. Sometimes I feel like I'll love him more if I sleep with him. Sometimes I feel like he can never leave me if I sleep with him. I have some abandonment issues that date back to 10th grade year of high school. It's a long story, and okay, it starts in 8th grade, really...
In 8th grade I fell in love, had sex, and dreamed of happily ever after. When that didn't happen I vowed to remain a "virgin" again until I was married. In 10th grade I was the typical 10th grader-- looking for excitement, fulfillment, and love in the growingly un-exciting, fulfilling, and loving world around me. I found that in Jake. Well, I found something that felt like excitement, fulfillment, and yes even love. Unfortunately, Jake saw my neediness, or that's my take on it. That's my theory on why he thought he could have sex with me that night-- even though I said no. I mean, I didn't really resist, and I went along with all the physical movements, but I said no. After that it was like he owned me. He owned my thoughts, feelings, and especially my body. When I gave it to him I felt close to him. When I didn't, I felt empowered, but lonely. Jake and I dated on and off for a year or so. And by "on and off" I mean we dated when he wasen't cheating on me and when I was desperate enough to take him back. After we finally cut things off, I slept with this guy at the local community college. I said "no" to him as well, but once again, my body said yes. And once again, the "no" that came from my mouth, from me, didn't really seem to exist. After that I slept with a couple guys at my high school. After that I got really depressed and started using drugs (pot, mushrooms, and "uppers" at first...and eventually cocaine, meth, and some things I don't even know the names for)...
I've come a long way. I haven't had technical sex in over two years, haven't used drugs in over three years, and generally love and respect myself quite a bit. So much has happened to get me from who I was then to who I am now, and yet I feel like I'm still waiting for the final push. I feel like i'm waiting to feel whole, complete, satisfied. My feelings of anxiety- the feelings that make me talk to the people I love until there's nothing left to say when there's nothing they can do to make it better-- come when I feel like I'm not "better yet". And they say it takes a lifetime to figure this stuff out... so I guess what I could really use is a bit of patience.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
